Sunday, November 14, 2004

The Outlaw

I broke the law on Friday. Yep, I'm a rebel. I went to the park in the pouring rain in the middle of a work day when absolutely no one was around and for about 5 minutes...I let my dog off the leash. It was well outside the parameters of off leash hours people, but did that stop me? No. I flouted the laws of my beloved city for the good of my precious pooch.

Now, I told you that to tell you this, as they say on the Blue Collar Comedy tour.

This week someone called me honest and it pissed me off.

I know, it sounds crazy but the implication was that I am the sort of person who is blindly, hurtfully, even foolishly honest. And, clearly, I'm still not over it.

Last Monday was the beginning of a good week. The Big Cheese was away, the Big Cheese of Secretaries was on vacation so there was time to relax and slowly clear my desk of all the stuff that hadn't been done that could oh so easily get me in trouble. I luxuriated in the day and I spent probably half an hour counting up the vacation days left and dotting them around the calendar between now and December 31st. I had 12 days left. I could barely fit them in around the Cheese's days in the office and trying to be fair to my co-workers. I was only going to work one 5 day week between the 15th of November and my birthday in January. It gave me strength to move forward. I'd been saving those days in case I had a chance to perform my show this fall. I wanted to have them to use so I could make it in this job through bonus time while still doing what I love. And, though the performing hadn't panned out, these days were providing me with great joy now. But, since I consider the #2 in command, Big Mistake (BM), a friend I wanted to run them by her to make sure they didn't interfere with her plans.

I sent BM a message asking if the days looked OK with her. She fired back a quick note saying they were fine and wishing me well.

My week continued on bliss of not having to be at work much at all 'cause DAMN I HATE MY JOB!

On Wednesday morning I was working outside of the office. I was hurrying because I had to train someone back at the office by 11 and I had some other things I needed to do. The phone rang and it was the Big Cheese of Secretaries. That's weird. I mean, she's on vacation and didn't bring a Blackberry. I've got to have made some enormous sort of mistake if she's calling me from vacation while I'm outside the office. As you can tell the BCoS is a force to be reckoned with, not someone one feels safe or comfortable around, not someone, frankly, that I trust.

Turns out that BM has resigned.

Turns out BM left the BCoS a message to that effect on Monday night.

You know, the day that I asked her about my vacation days.

Now, I'm sad about the fact that my vacation days are probably lost now. And I'm sad about the fact that there's going to be back breaking work until we find someone to take this job. Last time we did this I about had a breakdown. It sucked hard. I'm also sad about the fact that this is going to make me feel bad about ditching this job altogether in January. I wanted there to be easy all signs point north stuff going on in January so I could feel great about leaving this damnable job. Instead I've got another 4 years of Bush, some health problems and the prospect of leaving a supervisor in the lurch, something I've endeavored never to do.

So, I felt betrayed by her lying and foolish for trusting her and furious about all of it. I thought we were a team, working together to shield us both from the wrath from above. Apparently I was the only one who felt this way.

When confronted with the possibility of having sent me a heads up e-mail after she'd left her message for the BCoS on Monday BM stood on the high ground of "Proper Business Protocol". She said on 2 separate occasions, "I couldn't tell you. You would have told her." and "You would have told her. You're an honest person."

I'm not an honest person! I'm an outlaw! I let my dog off the leash during on leash long as there's absolutely no one around and she stays very close to me and I watch her every little nanosecond.

Yeah, yeah, I know, honest isn't bad. But it's awful if you use it without tempering it. It's not an absolute. I think of honesty like crossing the street. Yes, there's a light that lets you know if you have the right of way but you have to look both ways despite having the right of way because cars might be turning or stopped in the box or bikes not following the rules of the road or any number of other hazards.

In the case of choosing who to be loyal to when faced with the resignation of anyone in BM's job so far I've got a perfect record of staying loyal to the #2 job and not the BCoS. And I'm batting .500 on getting any return on that. Whoever we hire next could be the tie breaker I guess.

A significant number of people told me, "Don't take it personally, it's just business." It's interesting, I've worked in a number of businesses since I started working when I was 16 and I don't think I want to work in a business where the strictest of business protocol is the norm, not basic human interaction. Maybe that's the sign I'm looking for that it's OK to move on.

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