Thursday, December 01, 2005

Hippie Long Hair problems

I don't know how many of you are or have been or have lived with a Hippie Long Hair so I don't know how many of you will relate. I'll be as descriptive as possible then so you can work with me.

I'm a Hippie Long Hair these days. Except for the hippie part. I won't eat tofu, I work in an office and I don't camp unless forced so my application for a hippie membership card was rejected out of hand. I've got the long hair, though. I'm not having to tie it up to keep it out of the commode or anything but it's the longest it's been in many, many years.

For most of my life I was a long hair. And around the time I started keeping my hair closer to the shoulders I decided it'd be a good idea to live with a long hair. (Whole other post to explain how wrong I was about that and the hair had very little to do with it.) So it's only been the last 6 or 7 years where my living space has been long hair free and it seems I've forgotten some of the, er, issues, of having long hair in the house.

Long hair is tenacious. Fortunately my hair is blonde (and gray), thin and fine so it isn't quite as noticeable on everything as the ex's was. The man had curly, wiry, red hair and that shit got everywhere. You could never take a shower without either spending 10 minutes peeling 15 slimy long hairs off the soap or rubbing yourself down with a follicle-suds exfoliant. Then you'd go dry off and it'd be on the towel so you'd finish and discover you were wearing the world's thinnest hair shirt. Everywhere I tell you!

In the past few weeks my hair has somehow gotten to just the right length and strength that I have rediscovered my two least favorite parts about living with long hair in the house.

By far the very worst of all time is when you have a hair in your mouth but when you try to pluck it off your tongue you discover that you've already swallowed a significant length of it so your choices are to a. figure out how to swallow this devil's own spaghetti completely (ewe) or b. manage to repress your gag reflex long enough to hork up the initial partial strand (EWE!). With hair like mine you get through probably only half of the wretchalicious retrieval process before the hair breaks and you can just wash it down with a beer and try to forget. With the ex's, though, you'd have to hork up the whole thing. You could do emergency sutures with that stuff, I'm not kidding. Doing some deep sea fishing, maybe looking for a prize winning Marlin, and you run out of line? Not to worry, a couple of hairs off this guy's head and you're back in business.

Now, the other one isn't so very bad but I find it happening to me all the time now and I have no one to blame but myself. You know that phrase "a wild hair across your ass"? It's a wild hair up the crack of your ass! I know, it's so too much information but it has to be said. And you can't leave it there because it's tickling your tender bits and that's just distracting. The alternative, though, is that you have to find it, grasp it and then gently slither it out from between your cheeks. Let's say you work in an office. It's not overly stuffy, or overly dignified really but there is a certain level of decorum and the ladies' room is quite small. How does one keep from giggling as one performs this delicate maneuver while thinking, "Does this happen to everyone? It must happen to everyone with long hair. Why does no one ever talk about it? Because it's silly. Why do you feel the need to talk about it? Ah....there."?

Thank you for letting me share. Now go put on a hair net.


  1. Oh, DEAR GOD, YES!!

    I have ALL that going on at my house, and we all have the red, twenty-pound test hair. Let me TELL you about our drains. And our toothbrushes (yes, it even gets tangled in toothbrushes). I've had to fish long hairs out of the cats' gullets, too, and they're not so great at supressing the gag reflex, let me tell you.

    I was laughing my way through this whole post because, yes, I've been everywhere you've described (except, perhaps, trying to coax a hair out of my butt in a ladies' room - most of the time, I discover those little buggers at home, thank Goddess). And it's a particularly weird feeling when the hair is long enough to span the entire length of one's nether regions - you may THINK you're pulling it from your butt cheeks until you notice that the end of it is coming from someplace rather forward of "butt". EEEW!!

    (and you want to know what's REALLY funny - my word verification to post this comment was "vgfHORK!)

  2. OK, now, you have just gone the extra mile for me. I couldn't figure out a delicate way to explain the possible, er, wingspan of one of these hairs but you have done it for me. Thank you! God the thought of the feeling just makes my teeth itch it's so gross!

    I'd forgotten about the toothbrush thing. Oh that made me so MAD at him! I mean, I must face facts, I was mad at him for SO much else, the hair was just an easier target. But still, good god man, if one of us has to unwind your hair from the fridge handle before we can open the door can't it be YOU?!?!

    I'm peeing myself at your word verification too. From now on "vgfHORK!" is going to be universal notation for a cat vomiting.