Monday, August 07, 2006

Do Not Remove Your Beans!

Suzanne wins! She wasn't actually playing in the contest but she so wins. She totally gets a cat.

Suzanne solved the it's-a-small-world-song-stuck-in-my-head part of my brain and found not only the quotes I wanted from the series finale of Mad About You but the entire script! I will paste in the entire relevant section and the pieces in italics are the parts that I was trying to get word perfect.

[1999. The justice of peace (ed. note: Played most hilariously by Tim Conway) is in the Buchman apartment. A side table with flowers and candles is used as an altar, and Jamie, with a bouquet of flowers, stands next to Paul.]

JOP: Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today to...[looks at his watch] Actually, we’re gathered here, uh, almost tomorrow.

PAUL: Sorry again about the late hour.

JAMIE: Yes, ‘cause we want to keep the same anniversary, so...

JOP: Happy to be here, flattered to be asked. Although, we are moving right along here on midnight, so uh, I should just kinda...

JAMIE: Please.

PAUL: By all means.

JOP: Paul, do you take Jamie to be your wife, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish ‘till death do you part?

PAUL: I do.

JOP: Jamie, do you take Paul to be your husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, ‘till death do you part?

JAMIE: I do.

JOP: ...Are you sure?

JAMIE: [nods] Yes!

JOP: Well, you know, last time we talked, you were...

JAMIE: I understand.

JOB: Okay, well, uh, you have the ring, the witness is asleep in the crib, dog’s lost interest, so I guess we could move right along. By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. And, we got seven seconds left, so you can kiss each other squarely on the mouth.

JAMIE: ...’Kay.

[Paul and Jamie kiss half-heartedly.]

JOP: Well, I’m outta here. [stamps the wedding certificate] Okay, there you go, we’re all signed up, there’s your certificate right there, I’ll leave my card in case you ever want to get ahold of me. I am a certified public accountant, and also a notary public, and I can fix a boat. [leaves]

PAUL: ...Well.

JAMIE: Well.

PAUL: We are married!

JAMIE: Yes, we are.

PAUL: [picks up certificate] All official, typed up, nice and everything.


PAUL: I gotta say, it feels, feels...what am I trying to say, feels --

JAMIE: Exactly the same?

PAUL: Very much, yes.

JAMIE: Did we rush him too much?

PAUL: I dunno, maybe we did.

JAMIE: ‘Cause there are actually a couple of things I would’ve said if he’d given us a minute or two.

PAUL: Really? Me too.

JAMIE: Really?

PAUL: Yeah, well....I know you’re pretty good now. I would’ve been a little more specific.

JAMIE: What would you have said?

PAUL: ...I would’ve said “I love you.”

JAMIE: That’s not so specific.

PAUL: No, but...I really love you.


PAUL: And I would have said...I know life is a big, dangerous thing. It’s stronger and smarter and sneakier than us. But here’s what I got. I will always love never doubt that, no matter what. So that’s what I would’ve said. What would you have said?

JAMIE: I would’ve said.... I would’ve said that there are millions of things I want...but only one thing I really need. And if you ever decided to leave me, I would go and find you and bring you home ‘cause you’d be wrong.

PAUL: See, now that’s a wedding.

JAMIE: Yeah.

PAUL: How do you like being married so far?

JAMIE: I like it very much.

PAUL: ...Ya hungry?

JAMIE: Not really.

PAUL: Okay. (pause) ...C’mere.

[They kiss, then stare into each other’s eyes.]

JAMIE: Thank you for a wonderful engagement.

PAUL: It has been my pleasure.

[They start slow dancing.]

"I would go and find you and bring you home 'cause you'd be wrong." How amazing is that?

Thank you Suzanne!


  1. Yay! I'm glad it was what you are looking for. Since I found it yesterday, I have read it a couple of times, and again here today. I get chills EVERY TIME!

    And not so sure how our cat Fergie would take to having another cat around. The last time we tried getting her a kitten, it didn't go so's along story. Maybe I'll blog it, since I am long overdue to update my blog.

  2. I'm sitting here, with my computer in my lap, all alone in my house, and tears are rolling down my cheeks.

  3. Anonymous12:49 AM

    Mrs. Chili, That's all well and good. Paul and Jamie are straight, no question, not a taxable benefit, that health insurance thing. Until the national law recognizes equal rights and gay marriage, I will be taxed by the Feds for the value of my health insurance that my partner pays for me as her spouse. Similar is not equal. Tears are ok, I'd hope that you can see them as tears of joy for what you and the MR and Jamie and Paul have and can benefit from at the federal level. Sure, my beloved and I can get married in MA but what for? The Feds allow benefits to straight couples that we will never get to claim or benefit from. There is no allowance for her to collect my very many years of Social Security contributions. What the?. Similar is not equal. Believe me, I know that you are on our side but please don't shed tears on a tv show for straight couples...there's some real work out here that can use some impassioned players.