Do Not Remove Your Beans!

Suzanne wins! She wasn't actually playing in the contest but she so wins. She totally gets a cat.

Suzanne solved the it's-a-small-world-song-stuck-in-my-head part of my brain and found not only the quotes I wanted from the series finale of Mad About You but the entire script! I will paste in the entire relevant section and the pieces in italics are the parts that I was trying to get word perfect.

[1999. The justice of peace (ed. note: Played most hilariously by Tim Conway) is in the Buchman apartment. A side table with flowers and candles is used as an altar, and Jamie, with a bouquet of flowers, stands next to Paul.]

JOP: Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today to...[looks at his watch] Actually, we’re gathered here, uh, almost tomorrow.

PAUL: Sorry again about the late hour.

JAMIE: Yes, ‘cause we want to keep the same anniversary, so...

JOP: Happy to be here, flattered to be asked. Although, we are moving right along here on midnight, so uh, I should just kinda...

JAMIE: Please.

PAUL: By all means.

JOP: Paul, do you take Jamie to be your wife, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish ‘till death do you part?

PAUL: I do.

JOP: Jamie, do you take Paul to be your husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, ‘till death do you part?

JAMIE: I do.

JOP: ...Are you sure?

JAMIE: [nods] Yes!

JOP: Well, you know, last time we talked, you were...

JAMIE: I understand.

JOB: Okay, well, uh, you have the ring, the witness is asleep in the crib, dog’s lost interest, so I guess we could move right along. By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. And, we got seven seconds left, so you can kiss each other squarely on the mouth.

JAMIE: ...’Kay.

[Paul and Jamie kiss half-heartedly.]

JOP: Well, I’m outta here. [stamps the wedding certificate] Okay, there you go, we’re all signed up, there’s your certificate right there, I’ll leave my card in case you ever want to get ahold of me. I am a certified public accountant, and also a notary public, and I can fix a boat. [leaves]

PAUL: ...Well.

JAMIE: Well.

PAUL: We are married!

JAMIE: Yes, we are.

PAUL: [picks up certificate] All official, typed up, nice and everything.

JAMIE: Yup.

PAUL: I gotta say, it feels, uh...it feels...what am I trying to say, feels --

JAMIE: Exactly the same?

PAUL: Very much, yes.

JAMIE: Did we rush him too much?

PAUL: I dunno, maybe we did.

JAMIE: ‘Cause there are actually a couple of things I would’ve said if he’d given us a minute or two.

PAUL: Really? Me too.

JAMIE: Really?

PAUL: Yeah, well....I know you’re pretty good now. I would’ve been a little more specific.

JAMIE: What would you have said?

PAUL: ...I would’ve said “I love you.”

JAMIE: That’s not so specific.

PAUL: No, but...I really love you.

JAMIE: Oh.

PAUL: And I would have said...I know life is a big, dangerous thing. It’s stronger and smarter and sneakier than us. But here’s what I got. I will always love you...so never doubt that, no matter what. So that’s what I would’ve said. What would you have said?

JAMIE: I would’ve said.... I would’ve said that there are millions of things I want...but only one thing I really need. And if you ever decided to leave me, I would go and find you and bring you home ‘cause you’d be wrong.

PAUL: See, now that’s a wedding.

JAMIE: Yeah.

PAUL: How do you like being married so far?

JAMIE: I like it very much.

PAUL: ...Ya hungry?

JAMIE: Not really.

PAUL: Okay. (pause) ...C’mere.

[They kiss, then stare into each other’s eyes.]

JAMIE: Thank you for a wonderful engagement.

PAUL: It has been my pleasure.

[They start slow dancing.]


"I would go and find you and bring you home 'cause you'd be wrong." How amazing is that?

Thank you Suzanne!