Pick Your Hot Jesus

Yeah, so I watched The Passion of the Christ. I'm sorry about that. I had to know.

First a brief note to Mr. Gibson: If you use slow motion in a third or more of a movie then it's not a tool to emphasize and focus it's just a really slow movie.

The one sentence review is that it feels like an inside joke for everyone who's read the bible. I guess I expected more of a recruitment film. Boy was this not it.

I mean, clearly I don't know a lot about Jesus but it was my understanding that he was something of a teacher, wanting to explain himself and his beliefs to as many people as possible so that they could feel his joy and sense of purpose. Or something. So, I expected a movie that explained the last 12 hours (or so, because being a bit of heathen who believes in evil science it's my understanding that it takes a lot longer than 12 hours to die from crucifixion) of Jesus' life, something that would help me piece together the few things I know and make a comprehensive picture with times and actions and names to faces and maybe even some back story. I also expected that, if I was supposed to feel sorry for someone (for instance, Jesus), the film would give enough information about that character so that I would care solely in the context of the movie, without having to have done homework beforehand.

It didn't and that's fine and now I've seen it and I feel a little silly. What was all the fuss about? I don't care if religious organizations make home movies. Do what you like, just let me know beforehand that it's just for you guys and I won't expect so much from it.

So, Cliff Notes somebody, please? Is there really an earthquake in the bible when Jesus dies. It's not in Jesus Christ Superstar or Godspell. And if there wasn't was it a metaphor? And if it was a metaphor then why were you so ridiculously realistic about the gross stuff but then not about the spiritual stuff? Oh for cripes sake, it's just a shitty movie, why am I even asking?