Saturday, April 21, 2007

Here's My Sign

If you know Bill Engvall and his Here's Your Sign routine you can skip this paragraph. Engvall is a stand up comedian, one of the 4 Head Rednecks of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. He's pretty much the guy who's always telling everyone else that mom always said, "Don't play ball in the house." His most famous routine is one where he advocates outfitting people who ask really stupid questions about obvious things with a sign that says, "I'm Stupid." You know, just so everyone else they run into is warned in advance. For instance one day Bill was in the mall parking lot and he locked his keys in his car. So he got a hanger and he's trying to jimmy the lock when a guy walks by and says, "Locked your keys in your car?" So Bill wishes he'd said, "Nope, just washed it, hanging it up to dry!...Here's your sign."

I had a perfect "Here's Your Sign" moment this morning and I came up blank.

I was walking the dogs* and I saw 2 dapper, well dressed gentlemen coming across our path so I halted the dogs. They were dapper, well dressed messengers of God and I like to use my dog to keep messengers of God at bay. But being an active messenger of God one of them felt obligated to say something. He smiled charmingly and said, "Walking the dogs?"

I came up blank. Totally blank! What the hell? I still can't think of a good comeback. So, please, let me know what I should have said.


*Still no pictures but I feel obligated to keep you posted about the progress. Apparently the divine Mr. Chili has gotten more memory and it has arrived at the Chili compound. Next week I hand over the laptop and the magic begins.


  1. Nope. Practicing for the Iditarod. the 1K.

  2. Nope. Just finished a threesome.

  3. No you dumbshit, I'm in the middle of a colonoscopy and a manicure.

  4. Anonymous9:05 PM

    HAHAHAHAHA Mkaep! You're MUCH funnier than I am!

    I would have said something like "Dogs?! WHAT dogs? There are DOGS around here?!?"

    !...and just to let you know exactly how divine Mr. Chili is, not only has he bought more memory for both of us, but he's replacing my busted CD driver, too! I'm SO glad I married him!)

  5. No, I do that at home in the shower.

  6. I do like the Iditarod bit...good stuff.

    Since they were upper case G's messengers, maybe something along the lines of "Nope, just got word from the On High HQ, seems He's calling them Home first. Only bad part is, I couldn't hear it. Guess I'll have to trust 'em."

    Too involved for an Engvall bit, I know, but it's all I got.

    I probably would've just nodded or coughed to avoid responding. Or maybe said something more suited coming out of my dad's mouth like, 'Nope, they're walking ME!"

    (cue: rimshot)

    I'll stop wasting everybody's time now.

  7. I think that's when you bust out a rap:

    (Beatbox for a minute)
    Yeah, I'm walking the dogs
    And you're walking with God,
    But this sidewalk's big enough
    for all of us.
    (More beatbox)

  8. I want to hear you do a beatbox. Seriously. I do.

  9. Masterbating.

    Break into your best Gene Simmons tongue....

    suck vigoriously on your index finger...


    do the extended "Rock On" hands...
    give the Hannibal Lector chit.


    Break into your best Sally Field as Sybil and start muttering...
    "The people, the people..."