Gotta be Me

I have a little problem. (So many.)

I have trouble responding appropriately when people announce their impending (or, as often happens to me, recent) marriages. I know that most people are very excited and they want a hearty "Congratulations!" or "Oh my god, that's so awesome you're going to be so happy!" or for me to pull out my enormous wedding scrapbook but...I just can't.

Considering how much money my family has spent to make me a great actress it's unforgivable that I can't fake it.

Here's the thing, isn't expecting to have all this hoopla over getting married like having a huge party on the first day of a job? I'm all about a special dinner or buying yourself a little gift to celebrate getting your dream job and all but...

OK, this is going to sound bad but you've got to be used to that from me by now. Sometimes marriage turns out really well. Sometimes not so much. Sometimes it's both. I would like to be able to treat a marriage announcement similarly to finding a lump in your breast. I'd like to take a wait and see attitude. "OK, when's the procedure?" "Keep me posted." "What can I do to help?" Say on your 5th anniversary I'll send a gift because that seems like enough time to tell whether things are going well, don't you think? By then it'll be clear if it's OK to buy you the chainsaw you registered for or whether, say, pillows are more appropriate. Or duct tape.

Did you feel that breeze? That was hundreds of scrapbook pages being turned so their owners could cross me off the Engagement Announcement Phone Tree.