Thursday, October 25, 2007

Somerville, MA I'm looking at YOU!

The lurker from Somerville is back. They were on the site this morning for 14 minutes and change so they had to have seen the request for delurking, don't you think?

Let me soften my approach. I don't mind that you're reading even if you are one (or both!) halves of the ex-boyfriend/ex-friend couple that lives there. I really don't. I mean, if we can be stranded, just the 3 of us, together at a party in Suburbia for over an hour this summer we can handle this. At least here we can pretend we aren't listening when something uncomfortable happens.

There is a small chance that the person reading in Somerville is neither my ex-boyfriend nor my ex-friend. If that's true, I appeal to your kind nature, whoever you are, and ask that you identify yourself so that I can stop wondering. My brain just won't stop wondering. It's like having 99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall popping up in my head every other day and it's making me

That all being said, I did declare that if Somerville came back and didn't speak up I'd start telling embarrassing stories. Someone should thank the good lord I don't have that scanner yet, 'cause the photographic evidence is the most damning.

Here's a short one on the ex-boyfriend. He decided he was going to bike the Blue Ridge Skyway. He bought a bike, he bought a camera, he set a training schedule, he bought panniers and an under seat pack and shorts and shoes. He got a train ticket and he set a tough riding plan and his parents, who were to be vacationing in Black Mountain, NC, would pick him up at the end of the route and I would fly to NC and we would all spend a pleasant week in the pretty, pretty mountains not asking each other when I was going to get an engagement ring. (For 3 out of 4 of us this last bit was not hard. Sorry Ex's Mom.)

He did not stick to the training schedule.

Instead of camping as he'd planned he had to stay at motels. This was not because he didn't have the right equipment or because he was afraid of the dark. It was because he had blisters on his ass. Big, painful, horrifying blisters that made each moment of pedaling an agony. He had to sleep on his stomach and eat standing up. When he called from the second or third motel and described trying to contort himself enough to see the ass damage I laughed so hard that I almost passed out. Then I had to spend another 30 long distance minutes (this was before anyone invented unlimited long distance) apologizing for laughing at his pain. I felt bad he was in pain. I really did. But, come on, that shit is funny no matter how you slice it.

Don't worry, his parents rescued him early and they had some parent-child time before I arrived. No permanent damage was incurred.

OK, Somerville, come out come out wherever you are or next week I'm buying a scanner.


  1. Oh, my! Ass blisters. That's BAD....

  2. Once upon a time, I thought a trip down the Natchez Trace would be really fun on a bike. My husband and I went one day to see how much conditioning I would need. We rode 25 miles that day. I thought I was going to die. So we didn't do the 400 mile trip! I'll stick to a few miles here and there with plenty of convenience stores along the way.

  3. OMG!! That is hilarious!!! Poor guy!!!
    I hope your mysterious visitor shows his face!!! :)

  4. Sitemeter isn't working for me.

    I want to spy.

    Big Brother here I come!

    Can you imagine?

    Now that you have revealed that he had ass blisters...
    do you think he is really going to come out of the closet?

  5. Everyone should remember that he married a really, really close friend of mine so it could be her, too.

    Gert, e-mail me and tell me what about sitemeter isn't working and I'll try to help.

    I know that telling embarrassing stories is counterintuitive to the task of getting someone to come out of hiding and yet...we have mutual friends who read here so I'm hoping it's motivational. After all I do promise to stop once s/he comes out of hiding and I think it's in everyone's best interest if that happens before I get to the sexual stuff.

  6. Anonymous9:26 PM

    I have a scanner.
    So, if it just some random Somerville person, you are putting this poor dudes shit out there for nothing. Random Somervile person may chose not to come forward just for the funny stories.

  7. Anonymous10:12 AM

    I'm waiting for the pix and the sex