Monday, November 12, 2007

Lightening Up

Thank you all for the good thoughts and jokes and support about the surgery thing. I really do appreciate it. Yes, Suzanne, I think the gentle thoughts should be sent to the surgeon instead of me. Send lots of those, please. Mrs. G I'm not a huge fan of this either but I do know it could be worse and that they do this sort of thing all the time so I'm trying to take it seriously but not get completely weighted down by it since it's pretty easy to get worked up and make the whole experience much worse for myself than it has to be.

I was taken aback to have someone call into question my choice of "in case of emergency" person to come with me. I was told that I wasn't making the choice based on the qualifications of the caretaker but for other, more emotional and less relevant reasons. Of course, being me, I panicked and had to go over the reasons I'd chosen Pony Express for the job (reasons I'd gone over for hours before she and I came to the conclusion that she'd be coming with me, but I had to go over them again because I go directly to total freak out culpability under accusation) and re-affirm that I had made a practical decision to get the best care possible for me. It's a personal decision. As you may imagine I came to the conclusion that my choice had been entirely practical. Had I forgotten that when it comes to shit like this I'm all Capricorn? Apparently so. You may also find it easy to imagine how angry I am at being called into question now that I'm sure of my motives.

Now take the anger you can imagine and multiply it by two, no wait, go for three. You'll still be a little light on the anger but it'll be close enough.

Being angry is no way to live, right? The only way I know to get out of such a thing is to try and lighten the mood. Jokes are healthy and they're fun. So have a little fun with my list of the qualifications I have for a surgical caretaker. I think the correct answers will be obvious but feel free to ask in the comments if you're unsure.

1. Have you ever once been to my home?
2. Are you familiar with how to call a car service in New York City?
3. Do you know how to direct the driver from the doctor's office to my house?
4. Do you know how to adjust that route in the event of traffic or other obstacles to a swift trip?
5. Do you know where the nearest grocery store is to my house?
6. Do you know where the nearest drug store is to my house?
7. Do you and I often sit in silence?
8. Are those silences largely companionable?
9. Are you familiar with the ridiculous hippie woo woo feeding and medicating routine for my pets?
10. Do you smoke?
11. Are you allergic to cats?
12. Do we watch the same TV shows?
13. Do you know what I like to eat?
14. Do you know what I have been eating during Weight Loss Wackiness 2007?
15. Are you, hypothetically, the person I would call if, hypothetically, I found myself stuck half in and half out of a piece of vintage lingerie? You know, hypothetically.
16. Did, I mean would, you wait to laugh at me until you'd provided a possible solution to the above hypothetical situation if, hypothetically, it had occurred, say once about 7 years ago with a beautiful slip I inherited from my mentor?
17. When I fill out forms that ask for someone to call in case of emergency do I use your name? (Not beneficiary, that's different.)
18. When you fill out those forms do you use my name?
19. Do you know who I'd call if you weren't available to help me?
20. Do you know how to reach those people?
21. Does my dog howl and wiggle and try to crawl inside your skin she loves you so much?

Obviously there's room for compromise in some of these qualifications but this time around I'm fortunate enough to have someone available to do this who fits every single one so I'm choosing her. I absolutely appreciate all other offers of assistance and I am totally keeping them on file but I think I'll have to wait and see how things go before I'll know what other kinds of help I'll need.


  1. Wait a minute - WAIT a minute: someone called Pony Express into question?!

    Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!

    I don't even really know Pony all that well (and I'm not convinced, from the few times we've been together, that she even likes me), but I can't imagine a more capable, more reassuring person to have with you in a time of crisis. Hell, this is the woman who helped you pack when your people were dying - the one who said that you get to take EVERYTHING YOU WANT because, you know, your people were dying and now was not the time to be making limiting decisions. This is a solid, capital-G Girlfriend right there.

    No one gets to make this choice but you, and even if I didn't agree with your choice (if it's not immediately obvious, I so TOTALLY do), I'd certainly support your right to make it. I hope that whomever the bonehead was who questioned your wisdom in choosing Pony to be your person sees the error of his/her ill-considered opinion and is smart enough to keep such opinions to him/herself in the future.

  2. I agree Mrs. Chili...bonehead.
    Carry on Sis, your doing fine and you're going to be great!

  3. Hell hath no fury like friends of Kizz when she's called into question!!!! I had a nice little smarty pants comment all worked up but quite frankly, after reading Mrs. chili....BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Rock on sister.

    Your words are, as always, brilliant. I hope that the person who questioned your decisions is reading and gets a clue that you are capable and you are loved and I have GOT to hear that "help-I'm-stuck-in-a-vintage-slip" story!


  4. I don't know this bonehead you speak of, but I hope everything goes well and your caregiver understands the healing power of Ben & Jerry's. Yes, favorite things can always be naughty.

  5. I am not kidding but knowing that you are all outraged is helping me to let go of some of mine and that's really the most important help I could get at the moment so thank you very much.

  6. Anonymous9:46 AM

    Mrs. Chili says it all! Unbelievable!!! OF COURSE Pony Express is the right choice!!!