Oy The Guilt

At least a quarter of unique visitors to this blog from October through December come from people searching for Yankee Swap related advice. As I've told you I wrote a relatively mean spirited post about that particular tradition.

The issue here is that my post gets me traffic, which I like. I get traffic 'cause I was mean, which is probably bad for my eternal soul or something, which I don't like. If these visitors are looking for the rules I've got that covered. I don't have to feel bad about disappointing them. Most of them, however, are looking for gift ideas. Now, on the one hand I've helped them because I've given them warning that there's no such thing as a great Yankee Swap gift* so at least they're armed with practical information that other people probably won't give them. On the other hand I really don't think that there's an Etsy shop on the planet that provides a hand made testicle cozy so they still don't know exactly what to bring. I feel like I should provide something for them.

I have no idea where you are going or who you are going with. (Which one of you is searching for a swap gift with a $40 limit. Don't go to that party! I don't know what's going on there but it's got to be nefarious in some way.) That makes it hard to make good suggestions. Let me see what I can do, though.

1. If you want to do me proud you'd bring any of the Worst Case Scenario books because, in my humble opinion, your average Yankee Swap is already that.
2. Check out Mighty Goods and sort by price.
3. If you want to be really nice (and don't say I didn't warn you against that) you could buy something from an Etsy shop. There are Ugly Dolls that go for just $10.
4. How about the Container Store? How funny would it be to bring a really nice but empty box?
5. Design Sponge has some nice gift guides this time of year but I haven't looked at them carefully, they may be pricy.
6. McDonalds gift certificates were popular when I lived back home. You could interpret that with $10 or so to S'bux, D. Donuts or the like. At least it'll be something someone will use.
7. You could buy an inexpensive photo frame but present it with a gag photo in it. The gag part will be site specific. In some circles a picture of the boss with boobs and a wig (or cuffs and an orange jump suit) photoshopped on is a laugh riots and in some it's just another word for unemployed, so let's be careful out there.
8. If you want to really disappoint and confound the hard core swappers you could make a donation to a charity in the specified amount and put the acknowledgment into the swap. Creative wrapping to throw swappers off the scent is optional but strongly encouraged.
9. If you're already baking for the holidays maybe buy a mid-cost container and fill it with the baked goods. I like this for the confounding aspect too because each person who swaps for it can eat a cookie (or brownie or rum ball, mmmm rum balls...) as they get it and so it's a gift that is constantly reducing in value. Act fast it's falling!
10. Greeting cards. Nice way to get rid of those leftover holiday cards from years past. Mix them up and make them into packets of 10 or something and set them aside for every Yankee Swap. Yeah, ok, that last one was lame. I told you I didn't know how to do this.

Now, if you've read through all of these suggestions and are still worrying over your selection for the upcoming swap I beg you, do not go! You are only setting yourself up for disappointment. Somewhere, in someone's basement is a plastic Hulk mug with my name on it that I'm still dodging. Do not let this happen to you.

I feel less guilty now. I'm still not going to any Yankee Swaps if I can help it, though.

*ChemE told me that she went to a swap (a gathering of "professionals", no less) once where the gift she chose and unwrapped was a fast food hamburger...with a bite out of it. Apparently hilarious to some, not so much to her. Or me. Or pretty much anyone I want to spend time with.**

**Here's a good lesson from that, though. You don't need to put your name on the gift you put in the swap (if they make you put your name on the gift this is another red flag, decline that invitation immedietment!). One never knows how one's taste (or humor) will be received. No name, no identifying marks, and surreptitious placement under the tree allow you the freedom to deny, deny, deny if necessary.