Tuesday, December 25, 2007

See That Wall? I Have Hit It

It's a thing to be proud of, really, usually I hit the wall much earlier in the Christmas celebration. But right now? Really done.

I finally realized that the deal with Christmas for me is this deep feeling of inadequacy and not belonging. There's no space that's mine and nothing I do is perfectly right. I'm too lax for the planners and too structured for the flow goers. I'm too messy for the neatniks and too clean for, well, for my mother.

All my life I've been a solid B student. Not consistently an A student, only occasionally a C (or lower) one, always the B student, riding pretty much the mid level of the middle class...or something. And so it goes for all aspects of my life. Which is fine, perfectly fine, moderation in all things, right? But it's a hard place to live at times when you'd like to please a lot of different people. I have good people, I'd like them to be happy with me, I'd like to be able to repay them for all their kindnesses.

More on this all later because it's going to make my cry (again) and I don't have a space of my own in which to do that but let it suffice to say that if I had any semblance of my own power I'd be driving home right now, speeding along the open road with the face of my blessed pooch in my mind's eye. I'm really looking forward to being home in my own bed and I'm truly regretting the decision to go to work on Thursday.

Oh well, another one down. As Zelda says, I don't have to do this day again.

7 comments:

  1. Breathe more, duder. You'll be back in no time.

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  2. Hey chica, from where I sit (at my messy kitchen table) I think you do a fantastic job giving back to the people you love. And they all realize that, since Christmas isn't exactly your prime time, you give your best presents/presence all year long.

    Oh. And this crying on Christmas thing? I thought it was a tradition that was passe now that I spend more time being a mother than a daughter. Hey, not so much. I've decided to celebrate it and plan to do it every year. Wanna join me?

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  3. I'm with JRH. You give all year - you don't need to save it up for one day (and, not for nothing, but I loved the gifties!).

    I love you.

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  4. We have the exact hang over. In every aspect. Every.
    I get this feeling. B student yes!
    Not belonging.
    On the outskirts.
    Every single thing you said.

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  5. Maybe you need to start your OWN Xmas tradition to get what you need (hard to do with family, I know). You've created your own tradition with Thanksgiving and you seem to be pretty happy with that.

    Sorry about the food poisoning. Maybe Emily is having sympathy sickness, since she hasn't eaten today.

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  6. Oh Holy Hell. everything you say i agree with sister.
    got home to my zip code, my town, my barstool, my bed my livestock. it makes it so much better. I'm going back tomorrow too...who's stupid idea was that??? next year we're taking it off. SERIOUSLY.

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  7. Laurie B7:21 PM

    Sometimes it's just an excuse you need. Here's one. "If I'm thinking of going to work today I must be sick". That makes it a sick day, I guess. Next year, take the day off.

    You'd fit right in with us and our families, both of birth and of choice. Come on over, we'd love to see you and share a meal.

    I know you won't mind that the house isn't "company's coming" clean.

    Thanks for your posts,
    LB

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