Saturday, March 29, 2008

Come Inside My Brain But Wear Your Seatbelt

I think I've figured out why women tend (huge generality ahead, be careful not to stub your toe...or your sense of humor) to like men who are stoic, taciturn, unflappable. I mean, we like it if he tells a good joke and compliments our hair (or in my case, my ass) but if he's a "better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it beyond a doubt" sort of a guy he does tend to get more ass than a toilet seat.

If you'll bear with me I'd like to give you my thought process in a bulleted list.

  • I've lost a lot of weight but my ass is still sagging.
  • Probably more exercise is the only answer.
  • I'd like someone to see me naked.
  • That would be weird, I mean, I don't look all that good, skinnier isn't necessarily skinny.
  • I bet someone who knew me before would like it though.
  • Ooo, yeah, I'd definitely like to show [name redacted] the newish me.
  • On second thought he saw me at my best how impressed would he be?
  • Well his wife has had 2 kids.
  • I wonder what that's like.
  • I wonder what their sex life is like.
  • AH GOD NO! NO I DON'T! (shudder)
  • That must be hard, getting naked post partum. (Thank Linda for prompting that thought.)
  • Wow, must be even harder if you're getting naked with someone other than your spouse.
  • You know, that's another thing they never get right in movies or on TV.
  • Huh, do we ever see that?
  • We must.
  • Why can't I think of one mother getting naked with a new guy?
  • Or girl.
  • Oh, there was that chick who slept with Tim Riggins.
  • She looked good.
  • Way too good.
  • Tim Riggins is hawt.
  • Wouldn't it be harder to to get naked with the sort of insensitive, rugged, popular dude? Why did they do that?
  • I can picture her with Matt Saracen but Riggins?
  • Oh, lord, no, Saracen (much though I do love him) would be all, "Are these stretch marks? Do they hurt? Is it OK if I touch them? How's this?" Oh for fuck's sake, that would be unbearable! They're right, give me Tim Riggins any time, he's just going to get the job done and not say a damn thing except "Harder" or maybe "Roll over" and thank god for that.

And that, my friends, is why I think women tend toward a love of the strong but silent type.


  1. Anonymous12:59 PM

    In other words, you just want to get fucking laid.

  2. And....?

    Really, I thought I'd been pretty clear about that. Perhaps you're new.

  3. Oh, man, I loved that. Probably because our thoughts processes, while not the same, live in the same neighborhood and run into the same neighbors.

  4. I thought you might like that.

  5. Anonymous9:57 PM

    That's quite the train of thought there, Kizz, when, as Anonymous said, all you had to say was "I wanna get fucking laid."

    Somewhere in there is a bullet for my soon-to-written "I'm So Glad I was Born With A Penis" post. Seriously, when I see all the shit women have to go through, I praise whatever higherpower is out there that I'm a tripod.

    When I was single and wanted to get laid, none of that internal solioquy went through my head. I just headed out to the bar, scoped the women, singled one out, and turned into something just this side of Joey Tribiani.

    "Hey. How you doin'?"

  6. And did that work for you?

  7. Anonymous7:00 AM

    On occasion...

    The point being is that men don't have all these complicated thoughts and emotions running through their (big) heads when it comes to trying to get sex. Somehow (thank god), the process is much less convoluted and worrisome for us.

  8. Can't get a word in edgewise, eh? ;)

  9. Never. Way too much input.