Tuesday, April 08, 2008

10 Rings Things

The Nordic Chef was borrowing my couch for convalescence on Sunday and we turned on the Lord of the Rings at around noon. I hardly got any sleep that night because the dang trilogy finished about 10 minutes before I was supposed to get up to go to work the next morning. I'm not saying it's long but Dirk Diggler feels inferior next to that thing. So, here's 10 things about a movie that I've seen once properly on DVD and once in snippets on TNT.

1. So. Fricking fracking. Long. My god, people. The last third of that climb up the mountain goes on for almost 3 hours even without commercials. No wonder the poor little hobbitses are tired.

2. Anything with Viggo is worth any time commitment whatsoever.

3. I prefer curly brunette haired pirate Orlando to the blond elfin version.

4. If you're going to fall in love forever with an Elf Princess wouldn't you choose Cate Blanchett over Liv Tyler? (No offense Liv! I love you in Jersey Girl!)

5. I love those wacky dog/wolf things that the specialized orcs ride.

6. Speaking of which, how many different dang kinds of orcs are there anyway? Yeesh! I like the guy who looks like the Silverback in Planet of the Apes with snagglier teeth. Make up your mind, though, what does a damn orc look like? Are they silver backy or ancient vampiry or gollumy or what?

7. Would you rather live in a round-doored cozy hobbit hole or a cool stone majestic elf castle? I could go either way. I might need one for weekdays and the other for weekends.

8. I'd really like to explore all the Christian imagery in the story but that would entail me reading both the bible and the Lord of the Rings trilogy in order to explore it properly and I just don't think I have the gumption for either one, much less both. Nordic Chef and I had a good time doing it all half-assed as we waved pieces of cake at the screen from under our blankets, though.

9. Fight scenes like those, especially the whole Helm's Deep battle, make me want to go directly back into a stage combat class. I want to move up a level or two and learn to use a broad sword and cudgel and other big stuff.

10. How bad do you feel for that poor blond princessy girl, huh? Everywhere she turns some guy she has the hots for gets offed or disappears or gets jumped by some pouty-lipped elf princess. Talk about abandonment issues. She makes my heart hurt.


  1. I have both the theatrical and extended versions of these films (two thirds of the extended versions were Christmas gifts from Falcon and I'm STILL thanking him for them). I LOVE these films - I'm not a whacked-out freakshow about them, but I do love them, ESPECIALLY the extended versions.

    I've got to disagree with the Arwen/Galadriel thing; I don't find either actress to be the stunner of our generation, but I think that Liv Tyler wins out of the two of them.

  2. Anonymous8:03 AM

    Love is blind, they say. Maybe inner beauty was at play in the author's mind?

    Do yourself a favor, read "Bored of the Rings." I think it is a National Lampoon (Harvard Lampoon?) spoof and it is funny! Shortish, too.

  3. But the poor blond princessy girl turns out to be strong and capable on her own in the end. That's better.

  4. A hobbit hole for me, please.

  5. Anonymous11:02 AM

    Oh, now you gone and done it - blogging about LotR. My reply might wind up being longer than your post! :)

    First of all, I love the Dirk Diggler reference. Let's see how many other people get that.

    1) Yes the movies are long, and so is the book. As much of a LotR geek as I am, I have to force myself to read all of the Frodo & Sam travel through Mordor stuff in TTT & RotK. But if you think that is long, try watching FotR back-to-back-to-back in a movie theater in the same day (as I did with Bowyer the day that film was released). Or watching all three of the extended editions in a row in the same day (as Bowyer, Chili, and I attempted to do one weekend. We succeeded in only getting through TTT). THAT's long!

    2) Just think, Viggo kind of backed into the Aragorn role. It was originally given to Stuart Townsend (who's biggest claim to fame since is as Lestat in Queen of the Damned). LotR launched him into stardom, and he since has done an excellent job in A History of Violence and apparently did in Eastern Promises (I haven't seen that yet, though I just rented it this morning). Hidalg wasn't bad, either.

    3) As long as it's not pussy Orlando as Paris in Troy. I'm sorry if that word is offensive to some, but that's the only way to describe that character - what a fucking PUSSY!

    4) I'd probably have to go with Liv there, though neither blows me away. They're both attractive, don't get me wrong, but neither one makes me drool.

    5) The wacky dog/wolf things are called wargs. In the books they're described as basically just bigger, smarter, more vicious wolves, but Peter Jackson obviously took some "creative license" with his version...

    6) Let's see... there are Moria orcs, Mordor orcs, Uruk-hai, that's really all the ones in the books, but again, PJ took some "creative license."

    7) Give me a hobbit hole any day of the week

    8) Tolkien was very religious, so it's no surprise the imagery is there, though he also borrowed heavily from the Arthur myths, and the Norse and Finnish ancient sagas. I can't comment on specifics with Christianity, as I am not a religious individual in any sense of the word.

    9) What's sad is that if you look at the fighting from the perspective of historical accuracy (which I know was the last thing on PJ's mind when he made these movies), you come way very disappointed. Helm's Deep and Minas Tirith would have held out far longer, the Rohirrim's charge down the hill into the spears of the Uruk-hai would've been an unmitigated disaster, and Viggo wielding his bastard sword on Weathertop has to be some of the worst swordplay I've ever seen.

    If you take up stage combat again, Kizz, try to find somebody who teaches Western martial arts (like the Higgins Armory Museum in Worcester, MA). It's historically accurate and far more fascinating than the crap you see from Hollywood.

    10) I think I might find Miranda Otto hotter than either Cate Blanchett or Liv Tyler.

  6. I think Cate Blanchett is one of the most beautiful people ever to grace the earth. I guess I just assumed everyone did.

    That blond princessy chick was uber capable the minute she stepped on screen, she's awesome and what is her reward? Bubkas. Husband dead, dad dead, kingdom decimated, hobbits back to the shire and she's got to stand there smiling while Viggo licks Liv's tonsils. I hate it when the smart, capable, scrappy girls get shafted. "It's OK, we can leave her behind, she's capable, she'll be fine on her own!"

    Falcon, I wrote this KNOWING you'd pounce, hence my careful disclaimer about not being a full fan. Thanks for getting and liking the Diggler thing, it felt like, pardon my saying so, a bit of a stretch but it was the only length joke I could come up with.

    2. Remember that Viggo wasn't exactly some unknown punk either. He's very malleable and he wasn't a household name because most people didn't realize how often they'd seen him before. That's him quoting poetry to Demi in GI Jane.

    3. Troy has got to be the worst movie ever made. There is nothing pussy Paris could contribute that would make it better or worse.

    9. And yet, they do show them using tried and true (yet often stupid) military strategies.

    Most people TEACH the right and good stuff, it's just that most projects only want to see the flashy/crap stuff or they don't have enough time. Conservatively you need to spend 10 hours of rehearsal for every minute of combat on stage/screen. You can cut corners if you're shooting in very small chunks and the actors don't have to remember a lot of stuff to do in a row like they do in a play but it still takes an enormous amount of time and the way movies are made now isn't really cut out for that. Watch Xena and Buffy, though and, at their height, they do some really good stuff for people making a 46 minute movie every 8 days.

    10. No, just no. Love her but no. :)

  7. No, no - COUSIN dead; the guy who dies in the beginning of the film is Eowyn's cousin, not her husband (unless, you know, I'm wrong about that). And is it just me, or did anyone else assume that she ended up with Feramir? In the coronation scene in Return of the King, they're together in the crowd. Really? That's not a bad way to end up, if you ask me...

  8. Big penis. Got it.
    Yes, very long. Lots and lots and lots and lots of running. Especially in #2. I was exhausted as well.
    Give or take it really. I am not really a ringer. Strange for a former bookstore owner to say.
    I find the Princess Bride much more rewarding on many levels.
    Although Viggo, yes, a resounding yes.

  9. I think she ended up with Faramir in the book, too, although I am fuzzy on those details. Arwin didn't even have much role in the book, so she drove me nuts in the movie. She sure as heck di'nt bring Frodo to Rivendale. Some elf guy did that.

    In addition to some Christian influences, there are also many things related to England and the world wars. I read somewhere that WW I greatly influenced his works.

  10. Is it bad that I kind of want to live here?

  11. Anonymous11:01 AM

    "Bored of the Rings" is quite funny. Consider that the protagonists is DILDO Baggins and that the book starts off with him being pleasured by an elven prostitute who tells him that she LOVES furry feet, and you should have a pretty good idea of what you're getting into. :)

    Theoden is Eowyn's uncle, not her father, and therefore Theodred is her cousin.

    Viggo does shove his tongue down Liv's throat at the end of RotK, doesn't he? Watch that scene, as he kisses her for the first time since he's become king, and you can see his tongue coming out before they're a foot away from each other.

    Viggo had a decent career before LotR, no question, but LotR launched him to true stardom.

    Eowyn does marry Faramir at the end of the books. Faramir becomes Aragorn's steward, which makes Eowyn a princess of Goondor.

    Arwen might have all of a dozen lines in the entire trilogy. It's an elf lord named Glorfindel who escorts Strider and the four hobbits to Rivendell.

    WWI did indeed influence Tolkien. He fought in it, and lost most of his closest friends in it. He compiled a good deal of the history of Middle Earth while in the trenches in France.

    I've seen the Shire before, Gypsy. If not for the fact that it's in Oregon, I'd want to live there, too.

  12. Anonymous1:15 AM

    Liv Tyler. Definitely. Those ears are sex-ay.

  13. Gypsy, not even a little bad. Cozy I think.

    OK, losing your cousin is different. My bad.

    She's Steven Tyler's daughter, I feel like a crazy tongue thing isn't going to shock her.

    Jesus Christ, so the poor woman has to hang around court for the rest of her life watching the Elven princess fuck the guy she loves? How many times have I said she makes my heart hurt? I think I've got at least one more in me.

    MAB, I shouldn't be surprised I suppose, she is your type (ears, you know) but I still just don't get it.