Wednesday, August 27, 2008

What You See Of Me

I told you that I bought some pants that fit, right? I decided to try something mid or low rise, like the kids do these days, to fix the waist gapping problem that was ticking me off. I'm wearing a pair of the dress pants today and it's just weird. It's like I'm still wearing the fat pants since the waist is all down around my still-ample hip/ass area except that the fit elsewhere is good. I feel exposed and odd. I'm wearing a shirt that comes down well over the waist band of the pants but it's still strangely vulnerable.

I am a girl who will follow wherever you lead if you place a strong, warm palm where my tramp stamp should be. (Welcome stalkers! My address is...) Seriously, if you want to win me over, turn me to jelly, get me to say yes or no or please or Yes I will be voting McCain, all you have to do is give me the tried and true lower back steer. The only thing that will win me over faster is the palm at the top of my spine with the thumb on one side and the fingers on the other with just the right amount of pressure applied to the neck. What can I say? I have control issues, they're just different than yours. While these things are welcome, even sought after, during a cocktail party when I want to be taken home to remove my pinchy shoes and whatever else is getting in the way they are decidedly not welcome on mass transit or walking through the park or in the office bathroom.

What the hell is she talking about? I feel like anyone could come up and touch my damn coccyx! Intellectually I know that no one would and I know that what I'm wearing isn't even exposing that part of my body and I know that it's all just a feeling of new and unfamiliar that's getting to me. This new $15 pair of freaking pants is giving me some anxiety, though.

This weekend I spent some time taking pictures of the Chili family. (Stick with me, I think you'll see the connection. If not be sure to tell me in the comments section.) Auntie was especially reluctant to be in the photos at first so she hung back while I was shooting other family members and at some point I realized that she was taking pictures of me! My brain immediately came out of my lens and spread throughout my body. "Stand up straight! Suck in your gut! Pull your hat brim down!" I had to almost physically place myself back in my job and I did it by firmly reminding myself what that job was and that is was most emphatically not about me. Every time I curved my spine to get on someone's level I had a little stomach flutter, though. Auntie posted a couple of the shots she took of me on her blog and I, of course, went straight to work critiquing not her photography but my body.

Auntie and I have always had a flirty relationship. I never fail to throw out an irresistible surprise straight line and her R rated response turns me into the most ridiculous unschooled little girl. It's foolish but funny and not the kind of thing I have with a lot of people so I'm grateful for it. This weekend's biggest zinger was:

Me (to Chili): I'm hungry, I just need...something to put in my mouth.

Chili: I've got peanut butter and....

Auntie: (fits of laughter)

Me: (cluelessly) What?

Auntie: Just don't ever ask for that at my house. I'll give you something to put in your mouth all right.

She's not a dirty girl overall. In fact I spent much of the day teasing her for her conservatism. So, though I'm sure it's not true, I get a charge out of feeling that this naughty comments are just for me. She makes me feel pretty...among other things. That is what I realized after a minute or two of tearing down the me that she had posted in her space. I made myself look at them again and remember that she's my friend, she likes me and she liked the me that she was taking these shots of and she liked these particular captures enough to share them with the internet. Now all I have to do is try to see what she sees and find it likable myself.

Easy peasy, right?

Yeah, right.

But a good place to start.


  1. Anonymous6:28 PM

    Kizz, are you sure you don't want to marry me? I love, love, love placing my hand on the small of my beloveds back. It is such a intimate place.. It is a nice way to say " I am right here with you and by the way, I love you." Oh God do I love that spot. Even though I can be a dirty girl sometimes, I am a hopeless romantic.
    And you know what, the comment was just for you. I can say things like that because I know that no matter how dirty I get with you, you know I have the upmost respect for you.
    Physically, I have always thought you were attractive. ( Still waiting for the picture of you in a little black dress by the way!) There are many other things about you that make you attractive to me; The way you fearlessly get on stage and act, the way you think, the way you write, the way you are protective of your people (remember when you wouldn't let me and Auntie Teacher get on the subway at 11 pm?), and the way you are with my nieces to name just a few.
    Mama, I think you got it goin on!


  2. What you need to understand - not just intellectually, but viscerally - is that the you that we love has nothing to do with the container you're in. I don't love your nose or your hair or your ankles, I love YOU, and YOU are your soul, not the bits that you happen to live in during this lifetime.

    That being said, I think you've done AMAZING things with the bits you live in - let's not overlook that - but my point is that I love you, regardless of what you look like.

    So there.

    (and how cool would it be if you would marry my sister?!)

  3. Anonymous8:39 PM

    Ohhhh, I LOVE the hand on the small of my back and the back of my neck too! It gives me tingles just thinking about it. Let's not forget a hand on the face when you're kissing. Ok, I need to stop that now.

    I understand your struggles with body image and it drives me stark raving mad if my clothes don't feel comfortable or like they're covering not my body. I do not understand how women can walk around with their midriff bare or in shorty short skirts. I would just feel too "out there."

    But, Kizz, it's obvious (even to someone who's never met you) that you are a wonderfully sincere, caring, talented person and often after reading your posts I find myself wishing I could hang out with you. And it's not like we shudder and turn away when we see a picture of you. I agree with Auntie - you're very pleasing to look at and I would totally "do" you!

  4. Oh pity for those of you that don't know her, or get to have facetime with her.
    She is an amazing creature.
    Beautiful and full of abundant grace and glorious guffaws!
    She claims to be closed and shy and full of wonder at anyone who opens their mouth in public, however she, SHE is the one who follows her dreams daily. And she dreams in color.
    She is the one who comes to the rescue time and time again. On the phone, on the blog, on the street. If you are a crazy cat who decided to live in a wheel well, this woman is the one you want on your side.
    Vamp Patrol, Midnight Margaritas, Ya-Ya nights crying on the curb...
    Oh yes. She is all that.
    So I pity those that have never had the taste that is Kizz. and here's one for you....
    Huzzuah and Halakaleem!

    You're gorgeous baby. Inside and out.

  5. I think those pictures of you are great. They show you doing something you really enjoy. It's neat to have moments like those captured.

  6. I got tinglies just thinking about someone putting their hand there and being in charge.