Monday, October 06, 2008

I often have just terrible timing. Unless I have great timing. Like when I was going to go to school in the UK and everyone kept urging me to hurry for this year, get it in under the wire, and I dawdled and didn't apply until the next year and I got in and had the best year ever. While I was there I learned that the previous year's class, the class I had "missed" being in was only 4 people "strong" and was universally despised for their weak work ethic and strongly bad attitude. The same cannot be said of the 8 or 10 person class I was a part of. We worked our asses off and we loved the hell out of each other even when we wanted to beat someone's brains in. It's not easy being in a class of 10 people for a whole year 5 long days a week.

Anyway, but bad timing, I think bad timing I tend to get with money. Well, except for the time that I got kicked out of my rent stabilized apartment right after my grandparents died and I was therefore able to buy an apartment in the neighborhood that I love right before I got priced out of the area. And by "area" I mean "state."

So perhaps I'm just ticked about bad money timing right now and my only real bad timing is romantically. I just figured if I typed that a sentence refuting its veracity would spring to my fingers like it did in the first two paragraphs. Well, there you go, I guess the genuine bad timing is romantically and it's so bad that while I am here writing a post about bad timing I can't even condense the truth of it into a couple of sentences. Suffice to say I often fall in love with people right after they ask someone else to marry them. Give or take a month or two. Also I tend to say yes to dates with boring people but I think that's no pertinent.

That's not what I want to talk about, though. My brain wants to talk about feeling scared about money right now (shocker) but apparently my fingers are opposed. Fuck them.

I'm scared about money (still a shocker). I'm always scared about money, though. I'm scared about being without it, I'm scared of spending it, I'm scared of what people think of the way I spend it, just flash me a dollar bill and I'll have a tiny panic attack. I'm only exaggerating a tiny bit. I was trying to overcome this fear, though, I was trying to see places where not spending money would equal missed opportunity. I'm turning 40 in 3 months and 3 days and I want to throw a party that weekend with champagne and music and good times. I also want travel to see QuewlKat in France, to see Zelda in OKC, to see ChemE upstate, to see DiDi (who I haven't laid eyes on in years, which is just fucking wrong) in the Sunshine State along with all my regular trips up to New England. Plus my little baby cousin (who is in the midst of her first year of grad school) is getting married in the Pac Northwest next summer and I am obligated (in a good way, a really good way) to go there. While I'm out there I'll be right next to TVMike and Miss Rebecca and not too far from Gar and I feel like if I'm spending money on a plane ticket I can't squander or rush that opportunity so I'm going to spend the time to see where those people live if at all possible.

And then there's that photography class I want to take. It's $300 more or less and it's just about feeding this thing I like to do, isn't it? I don't spend that much on anything pretty much ever. Sometimes theatre tickets but only for a group. Once I think on a suit and once on a TV. Every time I probably threw up a little in my mouth at the point of purchase. I almost had myself convinced it was an investment in me but then I realized that if I was investing in me shouldn't I be investing in my writing and acting or even my CD? Shouldn't I be taking a commercial class and going to auditions and getting new headshots?

The truth of it is that I might lose half my yearly income in one fell swoop in the next 6 months and I don't have any bright thoughts as to how I might replace that income if something happens. Then again I may not but life is pretty uncertain. Which makes me different from the rest of the world how exactly? It's all sort of ironic given that from the moment I got this job I've been trying to figure out how to get out of it so I can support myself by doing something I love. We're all every one of us losing money as we sit here because of the stock craziness and prices of things are rising swiftly and surely. On the one hand I keep thinking, "Well, you've got the money now you should spend it on you and not let the bastards have it." Of course on the other hand I keep thinking especially helpful things like, "WHAT IF I LOSE MY HOUSE AUUUUUGHH!" and hiding behind my cat, who incidentally cost me $38 in medication yesterday so he's not fucking helping.

Where is my Finance Fairy? I want one who says, "Yes you can afford this. No you cannot afford this. Bitch you can't afford not to do that!"

Do they make those anymore? Can I borrow yours? I'll give it right back, I promise.

1 comment:

  1. I so need someone to financially hold my hand. Sigh. Good luck to us all.