Tuesday, January 06, 2009

10 Letters on a Tuesday That Snuck Up On Me

1. Dear Guy Behind Me In Line For The Elevator,

STEP OFF! I am first in line. I get to press the button for the next elevator when I see fit. If you crowd me one more time I'm going to be having a version of Rocky Mountain Oysters for breakfast.

Fuck you,

2. Dear Weblog Awards,

Are you trying to kill me? I already read a lot of blogs. A lot of blogs. Some might say too many. Hell, some have said too many. Yet, reading your lists of finalist for the 2008 Awards I find that there are not only blogs I've never heard of but whole categories I've never heard of!

This letter is simply to warn you that if 2009 becomes the year I go blind and become fused to my couch by my own feces I'm blaming it on you. So be prepared. The wrath of my (very tiny apparently) corner of the internet is not to be trifled with. Though it does enjoy a nice trifle if the custard is good.

Yours in trepidation and delight,

3. Dear Travolta Family,

My thoughts are with you.


4. Dear Venue For My Birthday Party THIS SATURDAY,

Your web site is down.

What does this mean?

I am worried.

Please don't make me worry.

What will my birthday be without Aztec hot chocolate? Or a venue?

Write soon!

5. Dear Eucerin,

Boy howdy do you make a therapeutic hand salve thing! I smeared it on my hands last night as I was going to sleep and it took 2 handwashings and a shower to make it possible for me to unscrew the cap on the toothpaste. I think at one point during the night I was stuck to a cat. Definitely coats, soothes and relieves. Well, the cat wasn't so relieved but my hands were.

Please send proper operating instructions. I feel I may have done it all wrong.

Thanks though!

6. Dear Epiphany,

Remember when you stranded me in Athens for a day?

I got to see the Parthenon for free, though. So, thanks for that I guess.


7. Dear Makers of Adhesive Hook Thingees,

Your adhesive is not so ad. The lights in my kitchen are falling down! From recent experience may I suggest looking into Karo Syrup technology?


8. Dear Bedroom,

Please acquire the technology of Mary Poppins' carpet bag. If you could manage it before I get home tonight that would be awesome.

I'll bring you a spoon full of sugar...but not Karo syrup.

Love you! Mean it!


9. Dear Craig Ferguson,

You wound me! Flirting with Kristen Bell when she's a guest on your show is sexy and funny and makes you just creepy enough that I know we belong together. Marrying another woman is neither sexy nor funny!

I don't think I can continue our relationship. It's as if you don't know me at all.


P.S. Call me!

10. Dear Kizz,

Think. Breathe. Speak.

Love you,


  1. This is fun. Epiphany - sometimes I wish that I were actually a believer so I could participate in cool holidays like this.

    Eucerin - wow!! I am imagining being stuck to a cat in my sleep!

    Guy on elevator - yeah, what's up with people like that?

    Travolta family - all I could think of was how our friends' son Z died at 16 this year. So very sad. So very sorry for them.

    Mary Poppins' bag - can I also have the flying thing, too?

  2. In the history of all the wonderful Ten Things Tuesday's that you have written...
    this might be my favorite post.
    I can't wait for 40 for you! I am so jealous. I mean you're going to be 40! And its not someday! Its almost here... you made it! You don't like it, I know. But I am Elphaba green with envy that you've made it! So as you do when you are cleaning... think of me and how happy I would be...if I were you.
    If you want to, I mean? I think its pretty spectacular to be you though.

  3. I KNEW those things weren't going to stick.

  4. Thanks for doing it anyway. Some of them, MANY of them have stuck admirably. An unhappy few, however, are sinking. Repairs are being effected on the problem areas. I will have buns of steel from climbing up and down on that damned chair.

  5. Sorry about Craig...

  6. Please, detail me what Aztec hot chocolate is??? I feel giddy just thinking about it!

    and Craig. Pish Posh. I give it six months. tops.