Saturday, July 11, 2009

I, We Wed

I feel like I've been to a lot of weddings. It's just a feeling, though, I don't think I've actually been to more than your average person. There's that wave in your mid-twenties when pretty much everyone you know gets married. Then there's another wave in the early to mid-thirties where you have the combo of the late bloomers getting married the first time and the second marriages of the people who pulled the trigger a little too early in the first round. You get some family weddings scattered throughout your life and the occasional "will you be my plus one?"

Most uncomfortable wedding of all time was probably when I was a plus one for Baldsug. It was a truly lovely wedding. The venue was the balconied function rooms at the top of a hotel overlooking Central Park. The happy couple could not have been, well, happier. The food was delicious, the company was delightful and the view, as you might have guessed, was spectacular.

Baldsug and I, on the other hand, were a hot mess. He had somehow forgotten his dress shirt. The only shirt he had available was one notch the dress side of a flannel shirt. Oh, and it was a deep magenta. It would not make friends with a tie so he went cravatless which gave him a look he proclaimed "Tony Soprano" even though it was before Tony Soprano even existed. I looked lovely in a fire engine red, rhinestone encrusted velvet knee length dress. Oh yeah, it went beautifully with the magenta not-flannel. During cocktails before the ceremony I overheard people whispering. It turns out that wearing red to a wedding is a bad thing. It's too flashy and is, it turns out, an affront to the bride. So I was already feeling bad when we sat down at the back of the very small gathering for the exchange of vows. The couple had written their own vows and they were the most uncomfortably personal vows I have ever heard. Now, wedding vows are supposed to be personal, I get that, and I admire this couple for being so open about their love. I think it probably means they really are meant to be. However, as the affronting, whorish mol on the arm of Tony Pre-Soprano I felt almost guilty hearing them be so vulnerable.

I'm sure nothing like that will happen tonight at my cousin's wedding. If nothing else I won't be wearing red and I'm family so I'm supposed to be there no matter what I'm wearing.

Got any fun wedding stories to tell? Please change the names to protect the innocent. Nobody's wedding deserves to be publicly trashed. We cannot, however, be expected not to question the occasional choice.


  1. You're description of the wedding vows reminded me of (I know, I know - take a wild guess) a Dennis Miller quote: "...and wedding vows written by the bride and groom that are so sickeningly schmaltzy they make "The Bridges of Madison County" look like Milton's "Paradise Lost.""

    The biggest problem I've had with the majority of the weddings I've been to have been the DJs. They seem to think the reception is all about them, talking over the new couple's first song together as husband and wife when it's not even halfway over, insisting on playing "The Chicken Dance," "YMCA," and the remix of "Oh, What A Night..." Grrr.

    I hope you have a great time, and I'm sure you'll look great no matter what you wear - even red. :)

  2. The best wedding I ever went to was... my own. We had a wonderful time, and people who attended still talk about what a great party it was.

    Funny, I don't think that I've been to very many weddings...

  3. I went to a wedding where the bride, groom, and wedding party wore white denim from head to foot. Need I say more?

  4. ha, well you only do things like that once.

    I didn't have a nice little bag to bring to one wedding and brought my big ochre colored pocketbook. It was a very nice pocketbook, but it make me look like a retard at the reception.

    In vain I asked the hotel lobby (where the reception was held) whether I could leave it at the desk, since I'd gone to the reception via train (it was in Jersey).

    So yeah. I'd rather bring no little bag at all than bring a huge one. Never again!