Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Need to Date Carrot Top

Bear with me. I have thought this out, you know.

First let me dispense with your arguments. The steroid thing is disturbing, I'll grant you that. I'm counting on being able to talk him out of it or at least down a little. Also counting on a non-Andre the Giant outcome. There's the plastic surgery too, I know. It's distressing. I've looked at a lot of pictures, though, and it seems like if I can find a better brow person for him it will help things considerably. It's a crying shame that he felt the need to annihilate the charmingly goofy freckled thing he had going on but perhaps that speaks to something broken on the inside that needs to be fixed. Forgive me for going all Wolowitz on you but I think I can work that to my advantage. If you've got a problem with his comedy I just want to be sure you've checked in with him recently. When I saw him on the guest list for Craigles I was, dare I say, a little disappointed but since it was Craig I watched and, you know, he's not bad. I remember watching him back when Comedy Central was just a channel that showed 24 hours a day of clips of stand up comedy. It was not my kind of thing back then. His stuff feels a little smarter now and I'm interested to see a little more. The "Porn Star Application" was inspired, in my opinion. Is that it? That's all the highlights at least so let's move on to the Pro column.

He's got good hair. It's crazy but in a good way. He is, apparently, pretty smart and has used those smarts to market himself into a long term contract in Vegas for a show that people regularly walk out of saying things like, "It's the best show I've ever been to that I didn't want to go to." He's straight from what little I can tell on the internet. So that's one thing over a lot of guys I find attractive. I'm actually counting the living in Vegas thing (at least for the next 5 years of his contract) as a positive because I'm kind of a separate bathrooms sort of a girl.

OK, ok, I know, so far no reason to go knocking down his door or stalking him on Facebook or sending homemade props in the mail. The thing is, and I know this sounds a little crazy-go-nuts, I think he could really help my mother. Stick with me a minute. My mother is a hoarder. Her house (and several other receptacles) are, quite literally, full of stuff. Little stuff, big stuff, broken stuff, old stuff, new stuff, weird stuff, normal stuff, useful stuff, ridiculous stuff, sad stuff but a whole barrel of stuff is what I'm saying. Carrot Top makes his living taking stuff and turning it into funny stuff. How inspiring would my mom's house be for him, right? The guy does a minimum of 30 minutes per night of one liners about props he's made. He has eight trunks of visual aids on stage for his show. Clearly he is always in the market for more building blocks. My mother, of course, has trouble letting go of stuff. I can't believe I felt that needed its own sentence but there you go. It helps her, though, if the stuff is going to be useful to someone else. I'm not saying he'd be able to talk her out of the heirlooms or even the expired canned goods but, for instance, the 50 empty Pringles cans from the make-your-own-rhythm-section phase might find their way into his trunks, if you'll pardon the expression.

Which is what led me to the cold truth that I need to date Carrot Top. It's the only way I'm going to help her out with this house thing and she needs help. No time like the present, I just need to get tickets to his show and find myself a nice novelty thong to throw onstage.

Maybe my mom has one I can borrow.


  1. I just watched that ep last night too! Everything you say I agree with. the brows. oy. the hair? delish. the surgery??? didn't know he'd had any but he looks a little different...and the it stands to reason.

    I liked the redneck text message. that he messed up!

    yeah, he gets a lot of crap for being a "prop comic" but he makes a shit ton of money, is constantly booked and has been working solid for the last umteen years. splain that for being "not a real comic"

    the truly inspired thing is you getting him into your moms house. THAT is inspired.

  2. I think what first kind of sold me on him was his demeanor while he was repeatedly screwing up the redneck text message. He seemed normal, nice, confident, self-deprecating, all good things.

    Man, I'd give one of anything I have two of to get him into my mom's house.

  3. He was funnier than I expected on Craiggles, but I couldn't stop looking at his GIANT tree trunk steroid arms. Jeez, that ain't natural!

  4. Yeah, it really isn't. The part I have not addressed is how the size of those arms is surely inversely proportional to the size of his...trunk, if you will.

  5. This post was great!

    When he first hit the scene, I really loved him (for one of the reasons you mentioned - he seems very smart, in addition to funny - good combination). But, now, he just looks too freakish to me.

  6. I've had a sex dream about Carrot Top, and it was good.