Tuesday, October 06, 2009

10 Changes

I'm figuring that writing it out is the only way to go. I'm also figuring that you'll understand if the it's one specific topic around here for a while. While I'm at it I'm also figuring that I'll understand if you have to walk away and come back when things lighten up. We'll all get through this one step at a time. Heck, if people refused to write one topic, even a toughie, to exhaustion Dooce wouldn't be famous, right?

Anyway, 10 things about this new world.

1. You should read these two lovely tributes to Miss Emily from Kath. Kath and Alex have been instrumental in keeping my brain from exploding (along with many other people) and I am terribly moved by the way Kath has reacted to this loss. Please thank her for me.

2. I can stay up late and get up late. I used to get up at 6:00am, get showered and dressed, walk the dog, feed the pets and then leave for work. Now I could probably sleep until 7:30 and still leave for work on time and clean. That is less comforting than you might expect.

3. Queen Bee is coming to spend the weekend. She was planning on doing it before Em's passing but I think she's coming a little earlier now. She'll be here by the time I get out of work on Thursday.

4. I called in (heart) sick to work yesterday. I thought I could and should make it in there for at least part of a day but once I was up and showered it just didn't feel possible. So I checked e-mail and voice mail from home and called it a day. It was a good idea. I don't actually know how I'm going to manage to get myself to go today but I've got to start somewhere. If I don't make it the whole day I don't. All I can do is try.

5. I'm writing and animals on tv themed piece for the Rec Room tomorrow. It didn't make me as sad as I thought it would. It helped.

6. For a dog who almost never barked and in the last few months lost her bark completely my dog was apparently pretty noisy. It's so quiet here.

7. Walking the dog in the morning was a way to test the weather and see if I was appropriately dressed for the day. I won't have a test run any more.

8. It's hard to be in the kitchen. Emily almost never went in the kitchen but she stood right outside looking in. So much of the last few months has been about convincing her to eat more, or anything at all, so the kitchen is more of a minefield than I expected.

9. I haven't taken down the ramp to help her up to the bed or recycled the cardboard box that was elevating her food dish or washed her dish. I keep thinking I'll be able to do it and then not so much so I'm waiting. Queen Bee can help.

10. I came in from the street fair last night and about an hour later found that I still had my shoes on. Often I come in and just take my shoes off but if I know I'm just sitting for a bit checking e-mail and then will have to go out with the pooch I keep them on to keep me motivated. If I'd come home at that time of day just a few days ago it would make sense but at that point, even though it was only 4:00pm, I was, or could be, in for the night. I could take off my shoes. I could get into my pajamas. I could strip buck naked. But if I do that the tears are cold when they drip on my stomach.


  1. Yeah, I can't imagine. To walk through the house without being tripped, impeded, nosed, wag-whipped. To be able to take something out of the fridge without explaining "not for you". Right now, there are the sounds of 20 claws claking on the floor, slurping from a water bowl, and jangling tags trying to get comfortable. I can't imagine the silence. I am so sorry you don't have to, and I am grateful that you're reminding me to appreciate the lack of it.

  2. I'm glad you're writing about this. Catharsis.
    I'm glad QueenBee is arriving soon.
    I'm glad you've made it to Tuesday.

    oh and I love you.

  3. mandrea8:57 AM

    im so sad for you. thinking of you. hugging you telepathically.

  4. I remember when Kotsie died, there was his clean food dish and his choke collar and leash coiled up in it, on our kitchen counter. I left it in exactly the same place for, I don't know, maybe two weeks before I could bear to put it away.

    It's very hard. I'm glad you're writing about it. I couldn't even do that until almost a year later.

  5. It's good for you to get this out. Once you do, you'll feel so much better. Say it. Say it ALL -- even the icky stuff.

  6. Pets don't take up much space, but they sure leave a big hole in one's life when we lose them. Hugs.

  7. Well... I'd just stopped crying and then read your post and now I'm crying again.
    Somewhere in TX... deep in her heart there is someone who is sending you much love.
    One day at a time... unfortunately... that is all the sage advice I have...
    other than, let yourself be really loved by others for a while Kizz.

  8. It really stinks that you have to go through this, but thanks for writing about it. I know I have a short time left with Goldie and hearing your experience is helping me to prepare - as much as anyone can ever be prepared.


  9. Keep writing. Keep feeling. The only way out is through...


  10. I agree with everyone here. Just keep writing. It's a way to honor her and a way to keep your sanity. Always here for you.