Saturday, July 10, 2010

And The Heavens Opened

I've been crafting a post in my head for a couple of days about how I mostly only think seriously about heaven when a pet dies. It's super depressing so far and, in the end, I couldn't commit to it. I bet I will eventually but not today. (Consider this your heads up.) Today it's other pet-related atrocities.

The cats have a vet appointment today. Last time I renewed Elvis' meds I was told that I couldn't do that again until I brought him in for a check up. I was grumpy about that but I can't disagree. So on a whim yesterday I called to see if I could get both of them in today and, lo and behold, there's room at 1 with our favorite (read: only acceptable) vet. Anna is wildly healthy so she only winds up going to the vet when it's an emergency and I can't tell who is bleeding from what orifice so they must all be checked. Today is not going to be her favorite.

This relatively new-to-us vet is only a few blocks away. This shaves off a lot of expense in terms of car services back and forth but does mean I have to carry their collective cat weight a lot farther than the curb. So this morning has been all about planning and plotting to make this whole deal go smoothly.

Let me run you down a list of how it's going down:

1. Get cat carrier down and leave it out and open.
2. Cats run away, then return to sniff, then just come and get breakfast trying to pretend they never saw it.
3. Get out granny/grocery cart and test to see if the carrier can be steadily balanced on top for smooth rolling rather than rattly, tiresome carrying. It does.
4. Move carrier to bathroom well before loading time. Bathroom is small and has a door. Escape attempts are more easily thwarted. Cats know carrier's purpose and hide so early movement prevents telegraphing my intent.
5. Feed cats treats for no reason. It's a bluff.
6. Collect stool sample. Yuck.
7. Close all closets and the bedroom to reduce hiding possibilities.
8. Feed cats treats with a purpose. No idea if this is going to work.
9. Scoop up cats. Really hoping to do both at once but realize this is a bit of a pipe dream, hence closing off the hiding places.
10. Put one cat into the front loading carrier.
11. Try to put second cat in.
12. Thwart escape attempt of #1.
13. Hold carrier door shut with foot and try not to fall over.
14. Recapture #2.
15. Say goodbye to my perfectly smooth and uninjured forearms.
16. Remember that I'm almost out of gauze and hydrogen peroxide.
17. Jam #1 inside, grab falling carrier with both knees, bang elbow on sink (bathroom is tiny), unceremoniously insert #2, close carrier door on fingers, cry, slide fingers out, close door, fiddle endlessly with complicated Swedish door locking system.
18. Tip carrier upright.
19. Laugh when thrashing cats tip it over again.
20. Apologize to cats for laughing. While still laughing.
21. Tip carrier upright and balance on granny cart.
22. Depart home with squalling cats, stool sample and gold ingots (for vet payment).
23. Do not look neighbors in the eye.


  1. *SNORT*

    ah, felines. it's good they're cute...else they'd fail at getting away with everything they do.

  2. Anonymous7:15 PM

    So, so perfect and believable! I love it. Sorry about the $400 and your injuries...

  3. you forgot: call Kath to help with all this!

  4. I love Lucille Ball moments like this.