Saturday, April 07, 2012

Diary Of An Introvert

I posted an infographic on Facebook recently. It's called How to Take Care of an Introvert. I commented that I wanted the person who made the graphic to take care of me. Then I got a whole bunch of comments from people saying they thought I was an extrovert.

Interestingly the people closest to me were silent on the matter. I was not surprised.

As I've gotten older I've learned to own my introverted qualities a little more but I still feel pressure not to. Speaking of someone else a friend once crabbed, "You can't just be a hermit!" She kind of broke my heart because, of course, I can and I was kind of counting on it being a legitimate option later, like maybe after I win the lottery. Of course the same friend once said to me, "I'm not made to be alone like you are*." so it's possible that we have wildly differing perspectives on what's important in life.

I can feel when the populous starts to get to me. I know when I need to simply not see people. It's not hard to tell when my, "He's a couple kinds of terrier and pug." line is delivered from under the thin and fragile shell of my Pleasant Neighbor character. Recently I busted the chops of a perfectly nice and well-meaning friend for not seeing an interpersonal situation at his job clearly. I essentially said, "We've been telling you this over and over why don't you fucking shut up!" That was not only uncalled for but not fair, either. He's in the middle of the shit and his emotions are being played. His friends are far on the outside. It's a completely different perspective. We're supposed to say things over and over to reassure him and help him move forward.

The thing is, I haven't had a whole day to myself with nothing scheduled to be done outside of my house for almost three weeks. Child's play for some, I know, but one of the things I've learned is that I need one of those, if not every week, then every two weeks. Think of it as a necessary reboot. I took Monday off so I have that firmly in my sights but it really can't come too soon. A voice in my head today kept repeating, "This is the closest to the edge I've ever been." It isn't. I used to go right over the edge flailing out at everyone and everything because my livelihood depended on working 7 days a week with people. However, it's bad. It's as bad as it's been in a while, for sure.  There are a lot of shitty things about being sick for a couple of months. Justified down time is not one of them.

And I'm going to a birthday party tonight. A big one. With lots of festively drunk people.

Let's hope I can hold it together just a little while longer.

*I do not, however, feel that I'm made to be alone. I don't want to be completely alone. I do need a little space, though, for everyone's sake.


  1. Becky and I call that Cave Time. Crawl in, nest, get comfy, unplug from as much as you want to and just be. I totally get it. When I look at my calendar and see so much going on, sometimes just that gives me anxiety. I've learned to cancel things, like not going to birthdays, not seeing shows, not showing up. While the guilt of being a bad friend can overwhelm, I have learned to talk myself down with the fact that they will NOT quit loving me if I don't show up. It's a slipper slope, being social ENOUGH.

    I look forward to your Monday so much. For both of us.

    I can't wait to have one with no papers to write, no obligations. Enjoy your day!

    i love you.

  2. i crave time alone. more specifically, i ache for time alone in my house with nothing to do but the things i want to do. a week. a week would be so very nice.

  3. thanks for sharing your graphic on facebook... it is being shared and I have pinned it on my pinterest board... to remind me and others how they can care for me. Many introverts have learnt to adjust their behaviour to fit into an extrovert world so friends, colleagues, and acquaintances can often assume we are extroverts when we are not...

    Like you, I'm learning to let my introversion shine... and I'm feeling all the better for it

  4. I'm sorry if I added to your stress with the party...hope you had a *little* fun??? And I really hope you got the much-deisred downtime you needed!

  5. Miflohny2:34 PM

    Thanks for sacrificing alone time to celebrate with us! We always love seeing you!