When

When should I quit my day job?

That might be the whole of this post, folks. It's such a huge question with so much baggage and I think about it every day. Is there even any point to saying more than that? How does anyone know when it's safe to do something so big?

They don't.

I know.

But...

What if my parents need help?

What if I get sick?

What if the pets get sick?

What if clients stop calling?

What if #45 gets re-elected?

I'm about to turn 50!

That's not a question.

When my mother turned 50 she was elated. A few months later she was diagnosed with breast cancer. For reasons that may or may not have to do with her illness she lost jobs, burned through savings, and struggled with her health outside of the cancer and its treatment. It was the turning point between being a woman who had changed careers and marital status and come out on top and being a woman who lost so much for complex and intertwined reasons and now, more than 2 decades later, is still working as hard as she ever did for much smaller returns.

Everyone tells me I look like my mom.

Most of my health issues mirror my dad's, though.

So making this decision on the brink of being 50, declaring 50 to be my own, a time when I can take risks because I am capable and confident and intelligent and thoughtful....

I think I blacked out for a second.

I don't want to think about all that.

My brain is full

and afraid.

I just got off the phone with someone who recently made some upgrades to her business and, after all that, has just been offered an opportunity to take the whole thing in a brand new direction.

Terrifying.

Thrilling.

I talked to her for 20 minutes and gave such good advice, if I do say so myself. We laid out pros and cons. We asked the basic questions. We let the worries breathe and show us where the light might shine in. It was all remarkably straightforward from where I stood.

Is this the way you want your business to go?

Your family is changing, does this serve them?

Can you keep going the way you are?

Do you want to?

It's never that way when it's your own decision to make.

Is it?

Well, not for me.

I mean...

My family is solely me (and the pets), so what does that matter?

My family is everyone and they all need everything, how can I support that?

I can't keep going the way that I am.

Can I stop?

I want to stop.

I don't want to stop.

I don't want to sit around worrying.

I don't want to be running around working all the time and worrying.

I'll probably be worrying no matter what!

That's not a question.

The last thing I offered my colleague was an exercise that my life coach used to have us do. We were asked to write out our perfect day. Then we shared it with her to see what steps we could take in our current wildly imperfect lives to move us toward the vision.

Dogs.

Art.

Theatre.

Friends.

Naps.

Reading.

Writing.

Sleep.

Binge watching.

Binge performing.

Blessed sleep.

Snuggling my cat.

Drinking wine.

Snuggling my dog.

Eating chocolate.

Watching the sun set.

Going somewhere warm.

I feel too jumbled to properly narrate my perfect day right now. I miss my dog! I have so many tiny steps already laid out in front of me that the whole exercise makes me fear it would put more on my list. I miss my cat! And my couch!

How will I do all of the things on the list?

You don't have to do them all.

But they're all there and they're all important!

Pick one.

Which one?

Any one!

Like what?

Like...quit your day job?

Quit my day job?

Maybe....

Are you sure?

I might be...

Ugh. I don't know. Ask me again later.