Visiting My Goals, like they were in jail or something

I cannot recommend enough the practice of regularly checking your to do lists. It seems daunting when you don't feel like you're accomplishing anything but I can almost guarantee that when you check out the list you'll see more progress than you feel.

It's harder to do than I make it sound.

For a couple of months now I've been trying to get myself to look at the original 107 in 2007 list but it's been too scary. I looked at it today, though, and it's not so bad. I'm doing OK. Not great maybe, not maybe halfway through the list, but putting in a good solid effort. So, I thought it would be nice to share and maybe hear back about how you all are doing with your goals for the year.

1. Get regular vocal coaching - this is in a whole new perspective now that Jay is dead. I'll need a plan B. It's both easier and harder to move on Plan B knowing that Jay is not an option.
2. Record full-length CD - I have got one more track down on this.
3. Scudder Memorial (Jan) - subbed Mrs. X's service for this and have spent time talking to Steph and Bud about the whole deal, so it's done and in as good a way as possible.
4. Finish DVD - DONE
5. Night Before Christmas for fam (make a book? buy them?) - I've been thinking about it a lot but I think I need to make some physical tests in order to make headway.
6. Memorize Night Before Christmas - this really shouldn't be as hard as it feels. I could get started on it soon.
7. Continue Floor Barre classes - All over this, trying for once a week and, barring travel, making them. I think I'm getting better, too.
8. Add another hour per week of exercise - certainly this is true with all the walking I'm doing for the activity points.
9. Teach at NSCC (April) - got canceled, not of my own accord. Sub in "Hold brunch at my house" and it's DONE.
10. See Red Molly in MA (April) - got canceled due to time and budgetary constraints with the wedding and the funeral and stuff. Sub in "Throw dinner party" and its also DONE.
11. Submit play to 20 places - I think I've done 1.
12. Book Shakespeare 20 places - I'm on the verge of 1.
13. Go on a date - heh. yeah. right. remind me to tell you about the one person at the reunion who felt the need to save me from my single status.
14. New Year at the steam pipes - obviously can't have done that yet. Still really looking forward to it and thinking about what sort of film I'll need to get good pics.
15. 2 field trips with Alita - We've been to the aquarium once, so that's good. I'm thinking maybe the museum next. Or the botanical gardens. Or both in one outing.
16. Write 6x/week on blog - I must be averaging this still. I'll definitely be hitting it with the new budgeting feature.
17. See Avenue Q - DONE!
18. Post-Thanksgiving Open House
19. Make 3 cross stitch bibs (Music Baby, ProfDoc kid, Miflohny baby) - 2 down one to go and I better freaking step on it, the kid enters the US a week from today!
20. Find director for Chekhov - I had a meeting with a potential director.
21. Reading of Chekhov
22. Full production of Chekhov
23. Sing live - technically done but in spirit I think I'd still like to keep working.
24. Hang pictures
25. Bathe dog once
26. Perform at Boerum Hill nursing home sing along - DONE! And I'd like to do it again.
27. Pick songs for nursing homes show - I've got 3 or 4 that are pretty right.
28. Learn songs for 27 - Almost there.
29. Book 5 nursing home shows
30. Lobsterbake (June) - DONE. My mouth waters just thinking about it.
31. Cook Christmas dinner
32. Do stockings for Christmas
33. Polish up 3 short stories - I've done a second draft of one and sent it to Wayfarer for more comments.
34. 20 short story submissions
35. Go to Met Museum
36. See an opera
37. Go to MoMA
38. Go to Frick
39. Buy back-up hard drive - DONE (thanks to Mr. Chili)
40. Get back-up hard drive installed - DONE (see above for the thanks)
41. Install Final Draft
42. Learn how to use Final Draft
43. Eat 3 servings of fruits & veggies/day - I don't have proof positive but with the whole weight loss thing this is happening for the most part.
44. Finish work filing - DONE god bless it.
45. Re-do work files
46. Keep work files current
47. Donate mattress & box spring - DONE, donated 'em to Pony Express' guest bedroom.
48. Clean out closets
49. Set up home filing system
50. Gyn appointment
51. Dentist appointment
52. Buy scanner
53. Scan family photos
54. Pay Kath & Alex back for Emily care - Am I done here? Sort of.
55. Auntie Blanche's birthday
56. Trip to beach - technically done on Aquarium day but I want to go by myself before summer is out.
57. Art work for CD - DONE (thanks to Alex & Kath)
58. Post photos to Flickr - I'm doing this, it's fun, I'm doing a lot more with all kinds of photography.
59. Invest 1/2 savings - see previous enry about how I'm sort of accidentally spending it instead. HATE.
60. See accountant in person - DONE
61. Re-work investments to maximize return
62. Sort out IRA contribution
63. NaBloPoMo
64. Brooklyn Museum - DONE
65. See Coast of Utopia - not an option anymore, sub in "Go to 20th HS reunion" and call it DONE.
66. Update address book - er, did I really put this on the list. Yick.
67. Make Christmas cards
68. Take more photos - Doing it every day, baby, so happy.
69. Go to one Share the Wealth Brunch - DONE
70. Read classic/good-for-me books - Done? Sort of. Read some more Dunnet, read American Psycho which is a modern classic and deserves its own entry.
71. Plan birthday celebration
72. Go to Aquarium - DONE and it was awesome.
73. Set automatic payments for health insurance - I'd like to make this a priority.
74. Bring lunch 3 days/week - Not this week but most weeks I'm very good with this, especially since the weight watchers. It's become a habit.
75. Give SG1 back to Ulserad - DONE, FINALLY, and, predictably he wasn't even ticked, he just laughed.
76. Get photos framed
77. Eye exam - DONE
78. New lenses - DONE and new frames too, hey that's where a bunch more money went, aha!
79. Contact lenses
80. Make out will
81. Inquire about grave plot
82. Renew passport - I got the forms for it and I got some for Pony Express and Teddy's Girl, too.
83. Submit for print audition
84. Submit for commercial audition
85. Write Rena once/month - Not doing so great lately but can start over
86. Write Auntie Blanche once/month - See above, I have sprung her from the home for at least one meal every time I've been home, though.
87. Cook once/month - I'm sure I'm doing this, though no proof is available. It's almost impossible not to with the weight loss program.
88. Go to Cyclones game
89. Take all vacation days - 6 down (plus my roll overs from last year) 10 to go!
90. Make new cookbook pages
91. God's Love for Thanksgiving
92. Solve eletric meter problem
93. Write to The Athlete - DONE, a couple of times even, will do more.
94. Write something 15 minutes/day - I go in and out on this but I'm working on it.
95. Send Christmas thank you notes
96. Read This Is Not Over once/week - This site is now defunct so its not happening. Sub "Attend Father's wedding" and it's DONE.
97. Drink 64 oz. water minimum/day - Totally a habit.
98. Buy rings from Yelle - Sub buy from Queen Bee and I've MORE than accomplished this.
99. Get painting fixed - I've tried, don't think it's going to be possible. Pissed.
100. Vocal warm-up 5 days/week
101. Physical warm-up 5 days/week
102. Daily vitamin - I stopped doing this because it was stopping me up.
103. Pay extra mortgage payment
104. Pay off loan from Mom - DONE!
105. Get massage - DONE!
106. Get facial
107. Buy cocktail dress that fits - DONE maybe a couple of times over what with the reunion and the wedding and the weight loss.

Totals
All done: 28
Habits in place (separate from All done): 11
Not done but progress has been made: 18

Like I said, it's not half but it's good progress. I don't feel like a slacker now. Though I do feel like I've got a ton of shit to do, what am I doing sitting on my tuckus watching TV right now?

10 Things For Today

What's that line from Rent? No day but today! Yupper.

1. The woman in this picture? She's on the bus on her way toward me.

2. It's fucking pouring rain right now. Her bus probably won't be delayed but the timing is delicate. There aren't a lot of places to hang around inside near the drop off. I fear one of us will get very wet. But we're just headed home after and we're not soluble.

3. I am neck deep in updating addresses. Taking a short break for this list and to stop my eyes from crossing. These are not my addresses. They're someone else's for someone else's holiday cards.

4. My holiday cards are designed (thank you JRH!), ordered, and winging their way toward me.

5. My address list is woefully out of date. I have much work to do.

6. My house is pretty clean for being 3 days before a party. I think someone has to come visit me on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving every year. Hell, you don't have to actually come you just have to say you're coming and make me believe it until about noon on that Tuesday.

7. As I mentioned to Chili this morning my motto for the year's present-giving is "Heifer & Homemade". It was a saying of Mrs. X's and we grew to love it. Heifer can stand specifically for Heifer International or it can be a pleasingly alliterative stand-in for any charitable donation. I suspect this year it will be both.

8. I mention #7 only to say that I had the help of a couple of web sites in turning some things of my own into gifts and a bunch of that stuff arrived yesterday. A big bunch. When you put it all in one place, well, wow I made a lot of stuff! (Not clutter, though, useful stuff.)

9. Even if my eyes weren't crossing I don't think I'm going to get all these addresses fixed today. I'm going to try, though.

10. Tomorrow? We bake!

Start of the Season

As well you all know 2007 has been a stinker for the most part. For me it kicked off with Mrs. X's death on day three of the year and has been a veritable roller coaster of emotions. For you it may have been different. This week has been quite the charmer frankly what with having to figure out this surgery deal, my work computer going toes up with no notice and taking all of the information I use to actually do my job with it, having to justify my choices about the surgery to people who tried to manipulate me and the stupid time change.

However, this week and this year would have had to step it up considerably to be the worst ones of all time. (Note to Fate: this is not a challenge just an observation so there's nothing to see here, feel free to just move along).

Today marks the 6th anniversary of the kick off of the worst 6 month period to date. I got a phone call at work that my grandfather was very sick and that no one could reach my father. (Welcome to the downside of the world of a lineage of only children. It's like being third in line to the throne...sort of.) Before I could track my father down I got the second call and you can guess what that was. The second call is never, "Whoops! Sorry, he's feeling much better now, false alarm, as you were."

I don't know what my grandfather was like as a parent. I suspect he had his strengths and weaknesses because he was human after all. By the time I got to know him, though, he was one of those people who came across as simple, deeply good. The man was on the ethics committee of the state legislature, that's pretty good.

I'm finding it really hard this year to tell you anything about him. It's been a rough year on that side of the family and I don't know that he'd be too terribly proud of any of us. By god I miss him, though. I hadn't finished learning from his example yet.

I recently got scanning capability at work so I'll try to get a picture, they are after all, worth a thousand words. For now I'll just mark the day he left and say that it stinks.

It stinks.

Sing out, Louise!

In case it hasn't been clear, mom's Old Man Friend, Jake, died a week ago yesterday. Within a 48 hour period mom's current "companion" of over 20 years died and her ex got married. If you're a vibey, prayery sort of a person feel free to vibe my mom with something good 'cause holy jeebus she's having a shitty week.

There's a lot more to it but we're not going into it tonight. Tonight I tell you the story mom told me yesterday.

She was at Jake's house on the day she describes as being the first night she slept alone there even though she'd spent a couple of nights alone there since he'd been in the hospital. She stepped out the door to throw some garbage away or something and she noticed a woman she'd never seen before walking her dog along the rural byway. Mom blurted out, "Jake's dead." Just thinking about her standing there with her sad little bag of garbage looking for someone to tell makes me so sad. Poor mommy.

She'd never even seen this woman before, there's no reason to believe that this woman would know who in blue hell Jake was but mom just let her know. Which is a little weird but would be a ton weirder if it weren't my mom.

Turns out that this woman was a professor at a local college and used to teach a course on death and dying. Talk about an ask and ye shall receive situation. Don't even have to ask, just go about your business and someone will send help. She spent a little time with mom and recommended a grief group and told her about a tool to use. She suggested mom write a letter to Jake to put in his casket.

Fucking brilliant.

I don't know that I'd have a lot to say to Jake but I sure wish someone had told me that before Mrs. X had died. And my grandmothers. And my grandfather. And my cat.

I don't know if mom finally finished her letter but I think she did. Now the funeral is over and the calling hours and the illness and the hospital stay.

In other words now the real hard part begins.

Photo Challenge: LEAP

Leap day dawned gray and has gotten rainy and cold. I feel like crap and I've got too much defending of my honor to do today (I'm looking at you anti-dog park people). I am wildly grateful to have this photo challenge to brighten up the situation. Love these photos.

We've got more new folks and we raised $70 for The American Cancer Society in Chris's memory and honor. These are all good things. Please comment here or on the photog's Flickr streams. Please scroll down for the next challenge.

You should go to Flickr and check out all the entries from mousepower1 because her timing is divine. I chose this one because I fell for the purity of color in motion.

Our Cindy/Elephant Soap/The Widow Maddera has been leaping a lot lately. Figuratively at least. I especially enjoy her face in this literal leap.

Do you recognize this look on Our Janet/fondofsnape's pseudo-grandson's face? If you've ever been told quite the tale by a kid you should. Click through to read the transcript of his important announcement.

A study in contrasts between Our Bethany/herm007's boys. They're always a study in contrasts (and complements) but it's rarely this clear.

Smalltown Mom titled this one Leap for our challenge but I want to call it Triumph. Look at the fist pumping joy on that face!

Not only is my beloved Bob leaping here it was a hell of a leap when they adopted him. Adopting pets always is, I think. It's terrifying and awesome and I think I'm standing on the ledge of adopting another one pretty much every day convincing myself not to jump off.

I can't even think of anything to say about this one by Wasagooze. It speaks for itself.

Now we head into March. Lions and lambs and women and history. It's a big month. It's also the month my mom was born. So let's go with WOMAN as our prompt. You can think of it as woman or womyn or wo-man or chicks or broads or ladies or folks or whatever but we'll call the prompt WOMAN as a catch all. (And now that word means nothing to me because I've written it too much.)

In honor of Mrs. X, who was my mom's friend (and my friend, and Steph's mom) we'll be raising some dollars for the American Lung Association this time around. It's also fitting since my lungs continue to rebel in ways great and small. $10 for every photographer who participates in the challenge.

Please add your photos to our Flickr photo pool by 9am on Tuesday March 13th for posting on Wednesday March 14th. Let me know if you have any questions!

I Would Have

Mrs. X sent me these poems earlier in the year. If there had been some time when it would have been appropriate I would have read them.

At the Beach
by Kemal Ozer

The waves are erasing the footprints
Of those who are walking the beach

The wind is carrying away the words
Two people are saying to each other

But still they are walking the beach
Their feet making new footprints

Still the two are talking together
Finding new words



Blessings
by Ronald Wallace

Blessings

occur.
Some days I find myself
putting my foot in
the same stream twice;
leading a horse to water
and making him drink.
I have a clue.
I can see the forest
for the trees.
All around me people
are making silk purses
out of sow's ears,
getting blood from turnips,
building Rome in a day.
There's a business
like show business.
There's something new
under the sun.

Some days misery
no longer loves company;
it puts itself out of its.
There's rest for the weary.
There's turning back.
There are guarantees.
I can be serious.
I can mean that.
You can quite
put your finger on it.



Read them out loud when you have a chance. I think they're even better out loud.

I cooked!

I think I'm doing OK with the 107 in 2007.

#3 turned into going to Mrs. X's memorial but it was accomplished. You can really only be in one place at one time.

#7 I went back 2 weeks ago. I'd forgotten that I left my last class in Dec citing illness. The teacher thought I'd been laid up all this time. Apparently the one thing I needed to make me love Floor Barre was that shitty yoga class.

#8 Thanks to Kath's suggestion I think it's possible that I'll get this by using FitTV. I'm working on it and that's all I can promise.

#23 I have technically accomplished by singing at the nursing home a few weeks ago but I think I'm not going to cross it off until I've done a public venue gig. Because...

#26 was the nursing home thing. Totally crossed off but totally going to do it again.

#43 is all about what you buy and about cooking. I'm doing really pretty good. I might even being going so far as getting 4 a day. It also helps that Kath keeps inviting me to dinner and she always serves at least 2 veggies.

#64 Done! Loved it. Will go back again now that I feel comfortable getting there and all.

#69 Done and thank goodness. It was much rougher than usual and the crowd was odd. I felt very out of place and it was a lot different than it's been before. It felt, and I hate to say this because it sounds crazy, less genuine.

#71 Done and fun. Champagne and friends and cake!

#74 Like the veggies it's going well. And I've rarely spent money on my lunch since I've been treated a few times or scavenged from meeting lunches. This week I'm buying lunch twice but I'm still pretty sure my average is bringing lunch 3 times a week or at least not paying for lunch 3 times a week.

#85 & 86 I got in under the wire for January so I'm on track.

#87 I did it almost accidentally last Sunday. Crockpotted some chicken in a jar of Korma sauce I had and did up some more brussels sprouts then sauteed some broccoli too. Oh, OK, and I made pudding. YUM!

#105 My first massage is scheduled for today.

How are you doing on your plans for this year?

I am not as drunk as I look

I promise.

Look at the pretty, pretty girls that are still happy to see me. I capped off yesterday by going to the Holiday Party for my previous job. It was, really, the right thing to do.

Let's back up, though.

On Tuesday night somebody's pimp ride nosedived into a sink hole right outside my apartment building. I walked along that avenue late that night and saw every crack and fissure and clumsily patched divot in the block. Not so much the visions of sugarplums more the visions dying horribly crushed under the weight of my entire building.

Yesterday in the pre-noon I was at work, I was fairly well pulled together, organized for getting changed for the party and looking appropriate for both, I was getting some work done and my cell phone rang. It was Chili. She'd called to say that our friend, April, had been killed in a car accident.

Backing up further, Chili set up The Girlfriend Group a bunch of years ago. At the outset it was 10 women who talked via e-mail and got together occasionally, getting to know eachother, cracking jokes, getting advice, all the normal stuff. April and I bonded specifically on a couple of issues and were close for a while. For reasons that are, honestly, beyond my comprehension the Girlfriend Group dissolved. We still keep in touch once or twice a year for updates.

I was IMing with Mr. Chili later and he said, "It was just shocking." I feel slightly removed from the event but he's absolutely right, it was just shocking.

What Chili didn't tell me is where she was calling from. She was at her mom's house cleaning up after a dangerous, but thankfully not injurious, electrical fire.

If you believe that these things come in threes, and I do. I was really, really wishing for the days when I had a landline at home and my old answering machine. You could call in for your messages and press a button (5 I think) and listen in to your house, see if anything was awry. I don't know what I'd hear but I wanted to call and listen to nothing, hear the dog breathe and the cats beat the crap out of eachother maybe. Those days are gone and I managed, barely, to keep hold of myself and not call my neighbor, who was going to walk Emily, and ask her if the pets were alive and the building still standing.

This month B died, my cousin Sara's dog was diagnosed with cancer and will likely be euthanized tomorrow, Mrs. X is in a rapid decline and we may or may not see her at Christmas, another friend named April had surgery in connection with her months-long struggle with throat cancer, Audio Girl goes under the knife tomorrow for what we expect to be her last cancer and boob related surgery, my mother still has no job (it's been over a year, maybe more, I'm afraid to calculate), Auntie Blanche has had a couple of fairly serious falls, MKAEP and her dad's whole deal...none of it is on me, not really, but it's all just sad and bad and...and...I already really don't like Christmas...and...Aaron Sorkin did that thing with the musicians and I realized how much is still not fixed from the years before and...

I just went to the party. It was in Chinatown, about three blocks from my first New York apartment in the old Bowery Bank. The place was beautiful and I got a glass of champagne and ran into my old friends. It was the right place to be and it was fun and I toasted April and I drank the tiniest bit too much champagne.

I swear I wasn't as drunk as I look in that photo, though.

Since

Since then a lot of stuff has happened.

The big stuff I guess we all know. Plane crash in Queens. War on Terror. Hussein captured. Bin Laden not captured. New airport security. Intelligence agencies sharing information. Homeland Security. Blackout. Tsunami. Bombs on buses and trains. Earthquakes. Hurricanes. Brangelina. Suri. Newer airport security.

Other stuff happened in a space of time that seems like the blink of an eye to me.

On September 21st 2001 Alita turned 3 months old. She's 5 now. She lives in a different neighborhood, she goes to a new school, she talks, she remembers, she loves, she walks, she runs, she dances. I saw her today and she's a real, live, old human being. In September of 2001 we were still wheeling her up and down the street hoping against hope that she'd stop crying.

I have a new home. A home that I (and the fine people of Wells Fargo) own. It has grown up furniture in it that I've bought and inherited and pictures of my people. My name is downstairs in the directory next to the buzzers and my neighbors know me.

Quewlkat graduated from high school and went off to college. A week ago she got on a plane for another year abroad.

LilyB graduated from college and has gotten herself 2 jobs and learned a lot about the working world in the process. She's moved into her first away-from-the-family apartment and gotten her first away-from-the-family pet.

I let some people go. Not in the dying way, in the I can't have this anymore way.

MarkyB and C-ann got married.

ProfDoc got married.

Miflohny got married.

I've had 2 new jobs.

The first job put me inadvertently in the war against Bush. We lost the election but we made a point, we helped get the ball rolling and I hope we were instrumental in getting the pendulum swinging back toward sanity.

My newer job is better for me. It's part time. The people are wonderful. More parts of the work are ones that I can feel good about. And I can feel great about the time that I have to work on other things.

I wrote 2 plays. I put one of them on tour. I've made a DVD and started to record a CD.

Both C-ann and Chili have gotten their teaching certificates.

Both The Athlete and Blondie Girl have started high school. Him 3 years ago and her a couple of weeks ago.

Both Audio Girl and Mrs. X got cancer. Or, if we're to believe their doctors, discovered cancer that had been there for quite some time.

Auntie Blanche moved to a nursing home.

MusicBaby happened.

A lot of stuff has happened, a lot of major progress, things have moved forward. Moved "on" if you want to put it that way. I don't think I do.

The progress seems both swift and painfully slow. It's as though we move along but we're constantly looking out of the corner of our eye to see if this other thing, this unwieldy, uninvited companion, is keeping up.

I read an article in the Times a few months after 9/11 about how humans internalize their surroundings. When we were nomadic we followed movement patterns over the course of years. We were taught from childhood to turn left at the willow and cross the stream by the big rock and to take the long way around by the cave with the unfriendly mammoth in it. We do the same thing with our commutes now, relegate them to our subconscious, to muscle memory. One of the reasons that moving homes is such a profoundly difficult experience is because we have to use our conscious brains to process all this information. We have to stop reading, or daydreaming or silently screaming along with our iPods to think, "one more stop, exit left, up the stairs, 2 blocks, wait for bus." It takes a while for the subconscious to learn the routine.

On 9/11 the commute got changed, both literally for the city, and figuratively for everyone. Just when we get it, it changes again. A cynical (read: realistic) person might think that the powers that be intentionally change the figurative commute on us when we begin to get it because when we're comfortable we can begin to see their bigger picture and any flaws that might be painted in it.

It's exhausting learning the new commute. It's discouraging. Sometimes I'm too tired.

Extraneous

I've been accumulating pictures to post and talk about and my desktop is almost covered in them. I can't even see Clooney as he scrolls by in my background. It's crazy. I just downloaded some more pics so I'm way behind. In honor of this weekend's enduring damp here in the northeast I give you last month's wacky scary flooding in my hometown in southern NH.








All photo credit goes to Mrs. X.

Birthday Girl!

Well Fuck!

I can't post the one picture I have of Steph on her birthday.

She is probably grateful, it's not a very good picture nor really OF her. How did this happen?!?!?

Mrs. X has some amazing photos of the whole fam on Easter but I haven't managed to steal any from her yet. Phooey!

Anyway, I met Steph when she was about 6 years old. She is both entirely different and exactly the same now as she was then.

I remember coming home from college one time, giving her a hug and thinking, "Oh my god, she has breasts!"

We sat at a Mexican restaurant once when she was in college and spent the entire time talking but also staring at each other. Her mouth looked funny. She was wondering when I would notice. She'd just gotten her tongue pierced.

She is a beautiful, articulate, conscientious, passionate nutcase and I love her so very much.

She used to write to me when I was in college and she was in high school. Long tales of what her life was like, poems, lyrics, pictures. For over a decade I have wanted to put those letters into some sort of scrapbook or keepsake box for her to read to remember that time of her life and to give back to her even one portion of what she gave to me.

Well, this year is not that year.

This year I busted the balls of a smoker in her honor. By tomorrow this time this violator of the Clean Indoor Air Act will more than likely be cited by the Health Department.

I hope you're having a fabulous birthday!

Like a rock star!

Before I begin, today is ChemE's birthday. She opened her presents yesterday, despite my best efforts to keep her from doing so. That in itself was probably the best part of her present. I just talked to her and she had a decent day. Chocolate, good food, flowers, the music I sent her. Some year I will manage to live up to the way she celebrates my birthday but I guess this was not that year. In the meantime I send her all the best birthday wishes and hope that this year craks wide open for her...in a good way.

So, last Wednesday I left the NYC to go on tour, just like a rock star. OK, so not so much like a rock star as like a 10th tier educational theatre company but whatever. I hear the "you never carry your own bags in the show".

I'm still in serious recovery mode so I'll just outline the schedule to give you an idea of what I've been doing for the past week.

Wednesday

Get up early
Go to Floor Barre
Pick up rental car
Drive home
Eat lunch
Pack car with stuff and neurotic dog
Drive north
see car accident
see car accident
Contemplate how crappy my ears feel
see car accident
see car accident
Arrive at Dad's 2 full hours after I expected to
Drop off dog while hiding from dad's bronchitis germs
Drive further north
Realize I've forgotten the one actual set piece for my show
Call PapaKizz who agrees to get a replacement
Visit with the Bees, collapse gratefully on the couch and sleep

Thursday

Get up REALLY early for my turn in the shower (4 family members, 1 guest, 1 bathroom)
Eat breakfast
Go to the high school
Meet up with Chili (with help from King Bee)
Teach 90 minute intro to Shakespeare to college-bound high school sophomores
Love that
Go to lunch with Chili & ProfDoc
Willfully fail to get ears looked at
Meet Queen Bee
Get eyebrows waxed for the first time ever
Back home to the Bees'
Sleep

Friday

Get up
Observe King Bee's class
See school nurse about ears
Hear a very calm assessment of why I might just want to consider going to the ER (I learned later that she was downplaying it)
Spend 90 minutes in the ER
Get diagnosed with a double ear infection
Drop of prescription
Pick up Queen Bee
Pick out sock yarn
Have yummy lunch
Back to pharmacy - no luck
Go to PO to send birthday gifts, Gilmore Girls tapes and a very pretty outfit for Alita
Cancel plans to meet with big honcho in NH theatre who, many years ago, taught me mimi (yes I am/was a mime, you learn something creepy about me every day don't you?)
Back to pharmacy - huzzah!
Antibiotics
Free wireless internet
Post
House
Crawl into bed
Stay there for the duration of the evening
Am later joined by the Bees, we eat and watch Weatherman and Capote (Vanx, I saw Capote! More on that later for sure)

Saturday

Up sorta early
Breakfast, meds, yogurt, cranberry juice
Head to County nursing home
Meet a bunch of oldsters
Perform my show for them (a couple of sleepers, one yeller, and a lot of good response)
To the strip mall for errands with Queen Bee and MamaKizz
Back to the house briefly
To small, local all chick bursing home
Perform in small room for a group of about 15 old broads, MamaKizz, Grammy Charlene, Mrs. X, Chili, Peanut Chili and Bean Chili
Sing along with the ladies
Home to rest briefly
Pick up Auntie Blanche
Drive to Newick's for dinner - YUM!
Drive Auntie Blanche home
Visit and look at cool pictures (NEED. SCANNER.)
Back to the Bees'
Watch Wedding Crashers - hee.
Sleep gratefully

Sunday

Sleep in (9:15am)
Dunkin' Donuts - mmm mmm good
See Blondie Girl play field hockey, she's doing really well, it's so much fun to see her play
Pick up Joe the Barber
Tour 3 separate beauty supply stores and buy all the things that will make me so stunning that I won't be able to post a picture of me on the internet for fear of starting a riot
Laundry
Dinner and visit with The Xs. Always so much fun. MamaKizz came, too.
Back home
Watch the last half of Brokeback Mountain and discuss (I still stand that it's a great story, beautifully told)
Sleep

Monday

Up
Shower
Eat more yogurt
Drink more cranberry juice
Delight in the wonder of antibiotics and their side effects
Wake The Athlete to say goodbye, he actually wakes up
Goodbye to the Bees
Drive south to MA
Meet PapaKizz
Drive to one campus
Perform for about 250 high school and college students
Drive to other campus
Find food
Take antibiotics
Perform for 150 college students
Collect check (yippee!)
Collect cool poster the college made for me
Collect dog
Drive south
Eat McDonald's because I am weak
Sleep in parking lot because I am bushed
Drive south
Take weird little Queens Boulevard detour because I'm almost out of gas
Get home
Drive around the neighborhood calling friends for help, looking for parking spot near house, no dice
2 longish trips to get stuff and pet into house
1 half hour session of pet hair removal on rental car to avoid getting extra charge
Collapse on couch


I was going to put links on this but I'm too tired still, sorry.
Ditto proofreading.
Ditto picture.
Ditto formatting.

Some more details later. The ears are better but for sure not cured and I'm starting to have low level panic that they won't be cured with this round of meds.

Back to work tomorrow. Could be ugly since we moved desks while I was away and both guys might come in. So I have to hit the ground running.

Thanks for the comments and good wishes!

P.S. Though I'm not the type to often wish such a thing, who can pick out the points in this outline where I wish I had a partner?

Update from the front

Am sitting in grocery store "cafe". Only place in town with free wireless access.

Cannot figure out how to send e-mail. Sending this missive out as message in bottle.

Taught fabulous class with/for Chili yesterday.

Have 2 shows at area nursing homes tomorrow.

Visit Mrs. X on Sun.

2 shows in MA on Mon.

Have double ear infection. Spent most of morning in ER. Last doctor I had in this town either retired, died or both.

Back in beloved Brooklyn (happy, satisfied, and grateful to all who made this trip possible, natch) Mon night should all go well.

Love,
Kizz

P.S. Do you know how much GAS costs these days?

P.P.S. Am purchasing cranberry juice and yogurt and hoping for the best with antibiotics.

Craggy snaggle-toothed guy number 164

It's been a relatively sucky week what with the poison gas and the bullets (automatic weapon from a gun running deal gone bad, apparently) and the illness. But it's also had a bunch of bright spots. Felix's brunch and a great night out with Spectrum Girl seeing Heaterly's dance concert and a number of e-mails from Mrs. X telling me about this seal that has taken up residence in my hometown's river.

The combination has made me fairly giddy.

Tonight Mike and I went to see a Rangers' game. As usual we had a great time, laughed and joked and screamed at the top of our lungs. We really "took the bull by the ears". Best moment of the evening, though, moment that still has me laughing was very early on.

The craggy gentleman pictured above is my Rangers boyfriend, Darius Kaspairitis. He's an accomplished defenseman, captain of his team, born and raised in Lithuania while it was part of the USSR so holds Russian citizenship and played for that team in last months' Olympics. He's been in the US for many years now, he's fairly well-spoken on camera and even displays a sense of humor. When asked how he can be such a great hockey player and still shoot the puck so poorly he said, "I grew up in Lithuania, we played out on a river and we only had one puck. I didn't get to shoot it until I was 14. If I missed we'd lose the puck." He is also, incidentally, known for his questionable and violent tactics on the ice. His trademark is due to his being somewhat shorter than your average hockey player, so he'll wait for his moment, bend over at the waist and throw a hip, effectively upending his chosen victim. This has been known to result in unpleasant injuries and, while not strictly legal, is fairly easy to conceal as an accident of play. Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that this contributes to my attraction, but I promise that feel bad about it.

Anyway, tonight Kaspar was unusally not in the starting line, which means that he was not on the ice during the singing of the anthems. It was an anthem double-shot since we had a Canadian team visiting, too. I love the double shot. Much lusty singing of weird songs. Little did I know how much lusty singing.

Our seats are 2 rows up from the ice directly across from the Rangers bench. I looked across to check out the team and I noticed my boy. He's singing. Both anthems. Every. Single. Word. Out loud and proud, too. You know how a lot of athletes will sort of half heartedly mumble along out of some misguided sense of duty? No, not this guy. My high school chorus teacher could have put him up in front of the group as an example - jaw veritably unhinged as he belted out the dramatic key change to close O Canada and segued seamlessly into the Star Spangled Banner.

How can you not love a guy or a moment like that?

Overture

Mrs. X. sent me this on Monday and I just managed to read it today. I am very behind. I think it's....well, I think it....I....

I think it speaks for itself.


“Overture “
by Zuhur Dixon
Iraq
Translated by Patricia Alanah Byrne and Salma Khadra Jayyusi


Overture

Who can open the door
Of the green river,
Of the golden clouds,
Of my heart?

Patterns

My mom had cancer. Mrs. X. That history teacher. My friend Josh's sister died of it. The next door neighbor lady and her mother-in-law. ChemE's mom died of it, too. A is just finishing the therapy now. A list as long as my arm. So ChemE and Steph and I congratulate ourselves on getting away from home and thereby saving our lives.

H got it here, though, in New York. So the pattern is broken. Still, I don't think about it as something that happens here. Or to people my age. Well, I do. I do now, at least.

Heart trouble, diabetes I'm pretty much guaranteed to get those. According to my mom, who has a PhD in denial, I shouldn't worry about the cancer.

A while ago I talked about the formal lynching of the person who came up with an insurance plan to sell to companies that doesn't cover breast cancer. The woman whose company bought that policy is in the hospital today. The cancer is in her brain now, for sure.

Sure, there's no way to know how this would have gone if she'd had different insurance. It's possible that she'd have been like me and she would have ignored symptoms to some extent anyway. Though, really, not probable. It's likely that she would have at least had faster and less stressful treatment. On the other hand it's possible she could have had an experience like H and A, uncomfortable and surely no fun but one might say easily survivable. Even relatively quick, you know, as surgery, chemo and radiation go.

She does have a name but I don't have permission to use it and I'm not sure that I would anyway. She's a tiny little woman. She's brightly colored in my mind. She looks like a person whose dirtiest joke would be about those horses that fell in a mud puddle but I have a feeling she'd giggle at some of the jokes my mom tells. Her idea of sending you a couple of photos is to send a bunch of photos, one framed photo, a t-shirt and a handwritten note. She's so quiet sometimes you could forget she was sitting there, quietly in one place for 2 hours. She works half days while she's in treatment and then comes home to where she's living with her parents (since she can't afford to live on her own and pay her medical bills) and cooks lunch for her retired mother.

Her future is uncertain now and really all we can do at this point is to think of her fondly and send her good thoughts (some people - people who aren't me - might call them prayers), to thank her for what she has given to us so far...and ask for a little more.

I will do my best to concentrate on those good thoughts but I don't think that part of my brain will be able to stop wondering what sort of person could condone the devising of such an insurance policy or the purchasing of it. Have they ever had to pay their own medical bills? Have they ever had a friend or relative with a life threatening illness? What exactly do they tell themselves that justifies this decision? I'd say that I'm just interested and yet it's not that. I'm angry, furious and sad and I want someone to be accountable.

And I've only known her a month.

Well, hell if I know!

Since I wrote about my dear friend who is dying I've had a few people talk to me about it. It's a new phenomenon for me to see when people will comment on the site and when they only feel comfortable doing it one on one. They were nice comments and I felt good about it.

Last night ChemE called so I could keep her company while she fought the technology gods and got her laptop set up (wireless, baby!).*

As she poked buttons and fussed and fumed (rightly, I might add) she dropped into the conversation, "I read your blog..about Mrs. X."

Wow. I had no idea she was reading. I thought she had probably lost the url and wouldn't be interested.

And then she dropped the bomb, "I get it. Me too. So, what do we do now?"

This is one of the gajillion reasons that I love her. Just when you think she isn't paying attention you find out that not only has she been paying close attention she's gotten right to the heart of the matter while the rest of us were dicking around with details.

I have no idea what we do now. I'm hoping one of us figures it out soon, though.

___________________________________________________

*ChemE: I'm wireless!

Me: Are you in the bathroom yet?

ChemE: No, there were things and I had to put the line into the modem and then I was on the phone for an hour waiting to talk to someone in INDIA!

Me: Oh so you had to wire up to something?

ChemE: No, I'm wireless!

Me: So go into the living room.

ChemE: It's doing stuff. Antivirus stuff.

Me: From the internet, right?

ChemE: Yeah

Me: Go into the living room

ChemE: Ooookaaay, I'll see if it...oh! hey! It's still working! I'm in my living room!

Me: Cool, huh?

ChemE: Wow the light in here is so much better.

Also the comfy chair, the TV and the dog. I didn't tell her that I wandered my apartment (much smaller than her house) for days flipping from blog to blog to see if it worked in every nook and cranny when I went wireless.

Julie Andrews Didn't Sing About These

Mrs. G is sponsoring a day of "Favorite Things" today. Mrs. G is a sweet and proper woman whose lists of favorite things have been nothing but appropriate for the whole family. When I asked, though, she said that my favorite things could be naughty. See how nice she is?

(If you don't want to talk about sex with me - or anyone - this is a post you should skip. If you're not sure and you don't skip it you can't blame me for any residual ick you may retain.)

Do you have a porn drawer? Some people call it a toy drawer or a secret drawer. Some people don't have a drawer because they feel the need to hide the contents somehow deeper when company comes to stay* so they have a box or a suitcase or something. I have a drawer and it's pretty close to full.

Mostly it's full of reading material. I'm a fan of these books edited by Susie Bright. Over the years they've gotten a little more hard core but generally there's always a few stories that...pique my interest.

I have been known to indulge in these books but they're hit or miss. I think I have Book X and it's good but Zelda and I have compared notes and some are not.

The Anais Nin books are, of course, gateway erotica. If you're a little bit interested in what I 'm talking about but this sort of thing makes you hinky (rather than horny; hinky = bad, horny = good) then this is where you should start. Really I probably ought to send you mine, I feel like I've grown out of them. Does that sound weird? It sounds weird to me but it is nonetheless true.

Back along Zelda had a professional discount on "adult items" and she gave me one of my favorite pieces in the drawer. The Rabbit is awesome. It's not subtle in any way but its a treat and you deserve it.

There's other stuff in the drawer but last but not least of the postable items is the Pocket Rocket. This was a a "heart" felt gift from an ex. The drawer really needs that boy back. If you're looking for subtle and delightful this is for you.

Ah, I love my drawer. And it loves me back.

*Here's my feeling about hiding this stuff. No, it shouldn't be out in plain sight because you never know who's coming over or who might steal the good stuff. However, all that hiding it is about is setting up a polite construct. It's not about creating your own personal closet Fort Knox. You want it to be somewhere that the casual visitor shouldn't be looking and can't accidentally stumble across. If they find it they have only themselves to blame and can't really bring it up because they shouldn't have been there in the first place. If they can't bring it up then they can't give you crap about it or change the way they treat you over it because they were the big old snoops and they made their own (naughty naughty) bed so they'll have to lie in it. (All of the above applies to keeping the stuff out of reach to adult visitors not children. Keeping it out of reach of children is a whole different ballgame.)

Ten Nostalgic TV Shows

Here are ten TV shows that I miss. They're probably all out on DVD. You should watch them. You know, if you'd like to become grafted to your couch like me.


Everwood
I suppose many people tuned in for the main story but for me it was all about 2 words, 1 guy and 1 great character arc: Bright Abbott.

Aaron Sorkin x 3 (SportsNight, West Wing - up to his departure after season 4, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip)
If you don't know how I feel about the man by now you need to spend some quality time with my archives. If you don't like the guy and you don't see what the big deal is then I ask you to watch SportsNight. Just watch. If you don't skim through the entire series and feel crushed when it's over then you're not human.

Joss Whedon x 3 (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly)
A male writer with a degree in women's studies who actually puts all his skills to work. He likes women so much he's even willing to indulge our inexplicable desire for the bad boys...to a point.

Dawson's Creek
I don't mean to keep calling your humanity into question but if you weren't in love for at least a moment with either Pacey or Joey then you might be part Vulcan.

Gilmore Girls
Amy Sherman-Palladino can pack more words and more pop culture references into 46 minutes than some writers pack into a whole season. She has to because she's got a lot to tell the world and all we can do is hope we can keep up. If that's not enough for you there's Lauren Graham who not only learned to keep up she taught us all her tricks along the way...and in 3 inch heels to boot.

Veronica Mars
It's not often that someone figures out a way to do something new on TV, I know. Rob Thomas looked at all the trends - crime process shows, mysteries, teen romance shows, long arc deep myth shows - and he combined them into one delicious cauldron of hot teens combatting the forces of evil with $20,000 state of the art listening devices. Edge of my seat, every week.

Joan of Arcadia
Here's another reason to visit the archives: if you don't know how suspicious I am of organized religion. Someone wrote a TV show about it. Then they occasionally dropped my beloved Mrs. Landingham from The West Wing in and when the execs canceled the show I almost wept.

Six Feet Under
It's possible that the series finale of this show is the best series finale ever broadcast. But it won't make any sense to you unless you watch the rest of the show.

Once & Again
I could have made this one of the "All shows by ____" entries. It's created by Marshall Herskowitz & Ed Zwick who also did My So Called Life, Thirtysomething, The Last Samurai among other things. I am a character driven viewer (also character driven in my acting, writing and daily life) and these men have made careers out of crafting brilliantly 3 dimensional characters who can withstand the necessary growth of a series. Then they cast truly stellar performers to bring those characters to life.

Oz
Not just because my boyfriend Lee Tergesen was on it, though that is a factor. Not just because my other boyfriend Dean Winters...or Harold Perrineau...or any of a number of other actors are on it. Because it took a small world and explored every blessed emotional inch of it with unflinching devotion. Also because the series finale left an opening for something more so that hard core fans will always be waiting to see if there's another episode in the pipeline. Bastards.