Tuesday, October 12, 2004


I am pressed for change. Like nothing will work if I don't change something, everything, anything.

The show isn't selling. I did some good work today and people are actually calling me back but no yeses. (PB says you've got to get 50 nos and I think I'm down to 47 now, possibly 46.) I feel like I've got to change something to make it change. Change the price? Write a new show? Change who I'm approaching?

But it feels like those choices are not enough. Maybe I scrap the show. I can't stay in this job I'm in now. Full time writing? Same problems as full time acting this show only with even less chance of swift, regular income.

All the dreams and fantasies and stories with which I entertain myself involve writing professionally and being in a romantic relationship with a famous actor. At least one. And usually the writing is in the form of TV or Film scripts and then when I've made myself comfortable with those I write a play and all my famous friends are in it. (It's a FANTASY people, work with me.) Usually I'm acting in a show for which I was originally hired to write. So should I be pursuing that? And how? I don't have the faintest idea how to do that.

I'm a Capricorn. I'm generally a really good example of one. We're practical and single minded and walk in quick, straight lines from Point A to Point Z by passing through all the correct points in between in order dammit! So, change? Not exactly something I crave.

Selling this show is hard and it's been discouraging of late. Facing the scary parts has not brought satisfying result. Yet. It's possible that this craving for change is craving for an excuse to run away from the tough part. An excuse to not be rejected again.

One might remind me to look at all the above plans for change and ask myself where in them there's an option that doesn't involve rejection of some kind. If I really think I'm going to be married to a movie star one might think I crave rejection more than change.

Or maybe this is the voice in my head I'm supposed to be listening to. Maybe my path is veering to a side and I'm supposed to take it. Maybe I'm supposed to read Tarot or write the next great adventure series of books or the next gritty cutting edge series on FX.

I know it's impossible but I want someone from outside my body, someone I can trust completely to say, "Yes, this show is the thing. Keep working, I know it's going to come through." or "This is a sign, make the biggest, boldest change you can fathom right NOW!" or anything definitive in between.

Something has to change. I don't know what or how to change or even why I want to so much but it has to change.

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