Sunday, June 05, 2005

"Self" tanning

Um, no.

It's not like I never used self tanner before. I bought spray on stuff and I mushed it around and carefully washed my hands afterwards and my skin never really changed at all. It was like placebo tanner. Something to make you feel like you'd at least tried to look halfway healthy. So I didn't expect much from the new stuff.

I spent the extra $4 for the continuous mist stuff. The stuff that's currently being hawked by Julie Bowen (formerly of Ed and occasionally popping up in a flashback on Lost).

I have a couple of bones to pick.

First, "self" tanning. Not so much. No one can reach every part of him or herself with a spray nozzle. I'm sure many have tried and that practice yields more complete results but really it's just not possible. Yet another way that those of us who live in homes where we are the sole possessors of opposable thumbs are being discriminated against.

Second, and more important really, there's the claim that you don't have to rub the stuff in. Somewhere in the fine print it must explain that it's a free country (hah!) so you don't HAVE to rub it in. However, if you want the tanning goup to actually be evenly spread around your body and evenly tan it then of course you'll need to rub it in.

Ask me how I know.

No, don't. I'm too embarrassed.

I'm not sure what makes this more embarrassing than the days you fall asleep in the sun with your sunglasses on or some yabo has his hand on your chest but it is somehow acutely more embarrassing.

At the urging of my personal tanning reconstructionist, PonyPonyPony, I have soaked in a tub, showered extensively and given myself daily low level Silkwood scrubbings. I no longer have crisp clean lines between the tanned and untanned portions of me. The worst part is the front vs. the back of my right arm but I can keep that covered.

So embarrassing.


  1. Oh goodness I feel your pain on this. This whole self tanning thing is way out of control. Most people end up looking like a ginourmous cheeto. A color simply not found in nature. That Julie Bowen is EVIL!

  2. I knw the last thing you need is more tanning advice... but Jergan's makes a lovely self tanner.
    Seriously. No, Gold Bride of King Tut thing here. No fear.
    Its fabulous.

  3. No, please, advise away. Which Jergen's product is this and do you have any special application instructions?
    I'm beginning to think that you can only self-tan if you have an assistant and if you have an assistant with whom you're comfortable naked then why in gay hell are you self tanning?