In Context

So I watched a short version of the Colin Farrell sex tape.*

I know, what was I thinking, right? And how creepy is it to say, watch an actor announce an award or do an interview, and be able to think, "Huh, you can't even tell his penis is all wacky upcurved when he's wearing pants."

Anyway, it got me to thinking that there are some things that happen when 2 (or more) people are naked that just don't translate to, er, the performance arena. OK, SPOILER ALERT, there's a part where he's getting his licks in, so to speak (btw, he even looks like he gives good head), and he's looking her in the eye (major points for that) and he says, "Oh yeah, here it is, breakfast, lunch and dinner all right here."

I'm going to give you a minute to finish giggling.

Take your time.

Ridiculous, right? I know!

Take a moment, though, to close your eyes and put yourself in this girl's place. (Guys, just try it, I'm sure Colin could do right by you, too, he's nothing if not versatile.) Now look right into those beautiful eyes and hear him sing those praises to you. Don't forget to use the Irish accent.

Kind of strangely hot, no?

I know. It's all about the context. This, my friends, is why homemade sex tapes should be largely silent. Unless you're, well, cooking the meal let's say, that stuff just sounds ridiculous. Keep that in mind next time a celebrity asks you to get naked in front of the handicam.

*I'm not going to link to it here. There seem to be a lot of versions out there and I'm not video savvy enough (or freaking patient enough) to find the definitive one. Googling the basic terms will get you the goods.