Fraudulent Is A Beautiful Word For A Nasty Business

To: Mr. Ass Monkey
1 Fraud Way
Fraudulentia, FR
$$$$$

Dear Mr. Monkey,

Thank you so very much for stealing my debit card information and perpetrating fraud on my bank account. I'd like to say that you were my first but you weren't. I've had in person fraud before, the online twist keeps it fresh, though, and lord knows I like to keep things fresh. I hope that you have a lovely time in New Zealand (if you ever get to go since my bank has already refused to pay for those tickets) and that whatever bizarro second generation software you were purchasing is helpful in the continuance of your dastardly schemes.

I do have two bones to pick with you, though. First, about my bank, I use a bank whose name rhymes with Skank of America. I derive all sorts of delight from making fun of them and their notoriously customer-unfriendly policies. Today, however, they called me to chit chat about some unusual charges on my debit card. Today. Less than 24 hours after you went on your ill-advised spending spree. What's more they immediately canceled my debit card but did not make me wait the requisite 5-7 business days to resume use of my account, I can go to the branch this afternoon and get a temporary card. In addition to that everyone I spoke to had full command of the English language and a pleasant phone manner. So now I have to be grateful to and for them. I hate that.

The second issue is with ChemE. She's one of my nearest and dearest friends and there is almost nothing I would not do for her. However, she's a little...cautious. You know? If her flight is delayed due to mechanical difficulties she asks the pilot to explain how it was fixed before she boards and she knows enough to know what he's talking about. I'm not actually using hyperbole to make a point, she does that. I'm afraid to fly with her but that's another letter entirely. One of the other things she's cautious about is online payments. She has a special credit card for online purchases and she monitors her finances like the proverbial hawk, or perhaps like the fraud investigation folks at my bank. Given that my attitude in the past has been, "Yes, I know it's a possibility but I can't live life in fear. Don't be such an alarmist." I am never going to hear the end of this. Not ever.

In light of the above ongoing difficulties that cannot be resolved by my bank I ask that you reply at your earliest convenience with a secure cell phone number where you can be reached at all times. I will use it only in case of extreme idiocy on the part of that bank, at which time I will conference you in for my 45 minutes on hold and poor treatment by bank employees stationed in foreign countries, or in case of the aforementioned fun-making from ChemE, at which time I will conference you in so that she can hear your sincere and creative apologies to me for the lifetime of regret to which I now look forward. I'm sure you will find this just compensation but if not I'm sure we can come to some other sort of arrangement. I do know the guy who drops the ball on New Year's Eve and I'm sure he'd be more than happy to arrange for you to see that up close...and from the bottom.

Best wishes,
Kizz