Friday, March 28, 2008

I Would Like To But I Cannot

I would like to tell you the whimsical story of an early morning celebrity sighting on the 2 train but I cannot.

Have you ever been to the Salem Witch Museum? Coming as I do from New England it's a bit of a field trip staple. I went, not having the faintest idea what to expect, when I was in 4th grade. The more I think of it, the more 4th grade was kind of a turning point in all of the things that scare the actual pee directly out of my body. Anyway (SPOILER ALERT!), when you get inside the museum you're in a big room and they lock the (motherfucking) door and turn all the lights out (hello, afraid of the dark) and the floor starts to glow with an elaborate pentagram (actually, I'm OK with that) and a spooky voice directs you through a series of life sized dioramas of the atrocities of the witch trials. One of the delightfully logical tests they used was putting a person on a sled (essentially) then sandwiching them with another board and loading boulders on them until they confessed to witchcraft. So much stupid in that, I can't begin to parse it. In the museum you get a lovely description of how it's crazy but in the background the actual scene plays out complete with the crunchy bone cracking sounds and agonized moaning of the accused.

I can't tell you about the celebrity sighting because something else weighs on me the way those stones weighed on the chests of the unlucky bastards in Salem in the year of our Lord Sixteen Hundred And Boy Are You Fucked.

I got the affidavit for the fraud claim today.

And tra la la I filled it out and sent it back and everything is fine.

I was ticked but I thought I'd just fill it out and send it on. Kids, I got stumped by the first fucking question.

"Please check only one of the following four statements:

A. The ATM/Check Card was still in my possession when the faudulent charges occurred.
B. The ATM/Check Card was lost.
C. The ATM/Check Card was stolen.
D. The ATM/Check Card was never received."

None of those apply to me. The card was in my possession and the charges were reversed and the card was canceled and then the charges being disputed in this claim were put through again so:

A. No, I watched the bank lady cut it up.
B. No, I had it until I handed it to the bank lady to cut up.
C. No, I handed it willingly to the bank lady for her to cut it up.
D. No, I had it for a really long time before I had to give it to the bank lady for her to cut it up.

I mean, in essence, we're talking about charges made on a card that didn't exist by the time the charges went through.

I called up the number in the message and asked what to do. I said a lot of other stuff I probably shouldn't be too proud of but let's not get into that...yet. I asked her to help me fill out the whole thing. Once we conquered item 1 (I was supposed to check A, despite the fact that card had been cut up and this claim was made on the second round of charges I am supposed to...I don't know, pretend that wasn't true...or something.) we had to move to item 2:

"If you have reported the information to law enforcement or the Postal Inspector, please provide the following:
Officer's name
Report Date/Number

Me: I didn't report it. I thought you were taking care of it. Was I supposed to?
SoA Rep: Well, I would.
Me: It never occurred to me and no one ever mentioned it.
SoA Rep: I'm surprised no one asked you about it.
Me: (Incredulous silent fish mouthing)
SoA Rep: It's one of the regular questions on our affadavit.
Me: I can see it here on the paper but you can see how I might have a hard time believing you since you're the fourth person I've talked to and you're the first person to bring it up. Technically you didn't even bring it up, I did.*
SoA Rep: Well it's one of the basic questions on our affidavit.**
Me: (Simultaneous aneurysm, coronary and fit of apoplexy)

So I called up my local precinct and asked them what to do. What are you doing on this festive Friday night? I'm going down to my local precinct to report online bank card fraud so I can fill in my stupid fucking affidavit and mail it back tomorrow. Should I wear pumps or boots? Do you think lip gloss over the matte color is too much? I'm assuming that metal jewelry should be held to a minimum.

* Yes, Auntie, I really did say all this. I'm not exaggerating even a little. In fact I'm probably leaving some stuff out so I don't look like a complete nutbar.

**Yes, I'm composing my stern letter to SoA. In all seriousness, Suzanne, you're very good at research, is there any way you could locate the name of the President and Chairman of the Board of the bank (could be one person, could be two) and the address of the central offices for me, please? Whatever letter/novella I compose I want to send to the President of the company, the person who oversees the Board of Directors since they, presumably, oversee the President, and to the head of the Customer Service department.***

***Yes, this is only about $21.24 but it's also about my per hour rate for the exorbitant amount of time I'm spending to get them to fucking deal with the cocksucking $21.24. As usual all I want is a real, honest-to-goodness apology for how completely lube-free buttfucked this entire process is and I know that is unlikely in the extreme, like waiting for an apology from George W. Bush, but I have to try, what would I be if I didn't even try?


  1. It is my pleasure to contribute to such a worthy cause. I once spent 4 hours on the phone with Packard Bell "solving" a computer problem (i.e., getting them to replace the piece of trash we had purchased from them), and I can totally appreciate the value of pushing your way up the ladder.

    His name is Kenneth "Ken" D. Lewis and his address is

    Bank of American
    100 N. Tyron Street
    Bank of America Center
    Charlotte, NC

    And if you want to see what the man looks like, you can check him out here...

    Happy hunting!

  2. Oh thank you very much. You are wonderful. Since I've received yet another missive in the mail today you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be sending this letter. I'll keep you posted.