Saturday, June 28, 2008


That's a great word isn't it?

I know it's not terribly charitable of me but I kind of like seeing people get their comeuppance. Perhaps I shouldn't share these stories but, hey, it's one of the funnier things I've heard this week so I want to share and that's good enough for me.

There's a lady down the street who doesn't like animals. She's mean to any dog owner walking in front of her house. Now, it is absolutely within her rights and understandable that she wouldn't want people to leave dog waste in front of her home but she doesn't have to be a bitch about it. I hustle Miss Emily past this house because, though I clean up after my dog, I like to reduce the amount of petty motherfucking bitching I'm subjected to on any given day.

Anyway, this woman is also an avid gardener. She's got pots and beds and troughs. She has bushes and bulbs and trees. She has protected them with brick edging and chicken wire from the evils of the canine race, too. It's a veritable fortress of greenitude. I've never seen her out there enjoying it, though. The only time I see her out there is when she's doing double duty watering and yelling at passersby.

So last night I walked by and before I could see her through the foliage I heard her yelling, "Get out of there! Get out! Go on!" I could see that there was no one on the sidewalk and she couldn't possibly see me yet if I couldn't see her so I knew she couldn't be screaming at me but it still made me kind of nervous. As we came abreast of her yard I could see that the gardener and someone else were in the front window and she was berating a stray kitten in the front yard. The kitten, who looks a lot like me own maniacal lovebugs, was sitting in front of a flower pot covered bench staring up with extreme focus. The woman continued to yell, "I don't want you back there! I know why you want to go there!" The cat was plotting a move over a huge flower pot and into a flower bed for some natural relief. "You want to make it your potty and I don't want it!"

Anyone who has ever known a cat knows that all you have to do to get a cat to stop doing something is to tell them that you don't want it. I wished her luck, lots and lots of luck. Right after I stopped laughing until I pulled something.


  1. Petty motherfucking bitching. Now those are some fun words!

    This whole scene plays out hysterically in my head. Isn't it some kind of divine Karma that creates these situations with people who don't like animals?!

  2. When I was thinking about this entry before I wrote it I kept working on that phrase and coming back to "petty motherfucking bitching." It just felt good in my mouth, you know? After you commented I thought about it again and you know what it came from? One of my favorite lines from Shakespeare, "petty and unprofitable dukedoms" from the end of the 3rd chorus of Henry V.