Dichotomies

This year of getting healthier has been full of dichotomies. Two major ones are the sun and food.

I love the sun. I love to be hot. I feel sort of weirdly proud when a droplet of sweat trickles down my back. It takes a lot of heat to make me really sweat. If I liked yoga even a little I'd be all over that Hot Yoga stuff. I am comforted by the beating of a hot summer sun. Yet this year I've had a big chunk of my forehead removed and a dozen bits and pieces of my back and face sent off to labs and I'm told that the sun is largely to blame. So now that it's finally, beautifully, blissfully hot out I have short circuits in my brain. I walk out, I feel the warm hand of the sun on my back and breathe out a sigh of contentment swiftly followed by a hitch of fear and dread. Do I have my thick, grease of sunscreen on? Have I forgotten my hat? Should I be wearing longer sleeves? Should I really be out here? One day I popped out of the office for lunch and a couple of errands. Half a block away I realized I'd forgotten my hat. I soldiered on toward the deli to pick up lunch telling myself all the way that I had bangs, I'd put on sunscreen, I wouldn't look directly at the sun, the hole in my head would be fine. I continued this catechism while the nice man mixed up my crazy salad but I couldn't do it. I blew off my errands and went back to eat in the office because I was afraid of he sun.

The other day Kdiddy made some scrumptious looking English muffins. I know! Homemade English muffins? Who knew there could be such a thing? Hers looked better than any packaged breakfast item I've ever seen. The thought of a fresh one toasted and slathered in butter, sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I could have precisely one of those in any given day. Maybe. I haven't had an English muffin in months and that was some specialty whole grain healthy person's crapola that I only ate half of because it didn't fit into my points scheme for the day. It was also not slathered in anything. I dipped it some chicken broth probably since it was rounding out my lunch. I get a kick out of baking. It's something I'm actually pretty good at and find surprisingly intuitive. My mom did a lot of baking with us kids when we were home on vacation. I yearn to make those muffins and see if it's as easy as it seems. Seems like an awful lot of work for something I'd probably only get to eat half of or end up feeling all that forgotten-hat guilt, though.

When I started doing the Weight Watchers thing I talked with a friend about how it seemed as though I'd always have to either be physically or emotionally hungry in order to lose weight. I thought, somewhat naively I suppose, that that would change. That sounds a bit melodramatic. Like the sun issues I'm still adjusting to a new lifestyle and it's taking a lot longer than I thought it would. What I wouldn't do to be sitting Kdiddy's kitchen having an English muffin, though. I promise, I'd keep my hat on.