Tuesday, October 26, 2010

This Is Gonna Be Way More Than 10

Steps Toward Making....something

1. Lament lack of proper dog costuming over brunch.

2. Feel spark of intrigue at friend's suggestion.

3. Read up on papier mache technique at work (1st google result only).

4. Read up on papier mache technique at home (2nd google result only because...I don't know).

5. Gather ingredients according to 2nd google result.

6. Discover dead weevils in the flour, even though it was an unopened bag sealed in a plastic bag.

7. Have a moment of gratitude since you might have opened that flour for the first time on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving when you actually need to cook.

8. Put 2 cups of water on to boil.

9. Mix 1 cup of flour to 1 cup of cold water whisking until smooth.

10. Check instructions and realize that you just fucked up the only clear measurement instructions by adding 3/4 of a cup more flour than required.

11. Make an executive decision to just work with what you've done instead of starting over even though you're only going to throw the buggy flour away anyway.

12. Cook lumpy hot glue.

13. Leave it to cool.

14. Blow up a balloon for the first time in probably a decade.

15. Feel cheered that you didn't pass out.

16. Compare size of balloon to size of dog's head.

17. Watch dog run away.

18. Follow.

19. Watch dog cower with pleading eyes.

20. Estimate from afar and tie balloon off.

21. Massage blood back into finger tip.

22. Check to see if glue is cool.

23. Notice cat at the window.

24. Notice he is on the wrong side of the window, the outside.

25. Wonder vaguely about heart attack symptoms in middle-aged women.

26. Sit in window begging cat to come in.

27. Watch cat shy away at the jingling of dog tags.

28. Sequester dog in bedroom.

29. Return to see cat sauntering into living room looking peeved.

30. Close and seal every window in the joint.

31. Check to see if glue is cool.

32. Tear newspaper into strips.

33. Feel a little glee at tearing Brett Favre and his cell phone in half.

34. Check to see if glue is cool.

35. Find something on which to precariously balance the balloon for application of gluey paper.

36. Check to see if glue is cool.

37. Check email.

38. Check to see if glue is cool.

39. Balance balloon on tupperware.

40. Dip paper in glue.

41. Squeegee excess glue off paper with fingers.

42. Have extraordinarily vivid flashback to grade school.

43. Lay glued strip of paper on balloon.

44. Pick balloon up off crafting surface.

45 - 55. Repeat #39 - 44

46. Observe beginnings of inter-species sparring session.

47. Lay glued paper on balloon.

48. Contemplate how one might break up a fight without accidentally gluing animals together.

49. Come up with nothing.

50. More glued paper.

51. Smooth everything over.

52. Call it good.

53. Save extra glue for next round of gluing the following evening.

54. Shower.

55. Stick self to towel by accident anyway.


  1. Thanks for that laugh! Can hardly wait to see a pic of the completed project.

  2. I know I should comment on this post specifically, but I just had to tell you that I thought of you the very first thing this morning because I was awakened by our mutual boyfriend, Eddie, and instead of being all coy with him I just THOUGHT OF YOU AND YOUR SWEET DOG! (You're welcome).

  3. lol, love it, and glad beast is back in! btw, marathon q's fine anytime. nerves are nerves, and i'll run with them if i need to. hope to catch pupkin this wknd if kids cooperate!

  4. #56. Laugh out loud at my desk! OMG I cannot wait to see this.