Monday, January 10, 2011

Mistakes Were Made

"Do you like going there, though?"

I've had that question a lot lately. What's strange is that it's mostly been from people who I was sure knew the answer.

No, I don't like going to my job. There are nice people there and, let's be clear, I am grateful to have a job at all much less one with all the extras this one has but I do not like going there. I do not like it at all. Today I carefully combed through a narrative itinerary from a high end tour guide company and combined it with flight information and car service information and phone information and insurance information and created the first draft of a very boring, bare bones, only-the-facts itinerary. I also stuffed and return address labeled and licked and stamped envelopes full of checks for nearly 50 charities. The itinerary is a better metaphor. There was something (me) with an image-heavy story full of great sights and sounds and potential and I spent a solid day getting rid of the things that are creative and wonderful about it (writing, acting, singing, painting etc.) to make someone else's life easier.

Part of what makes this tolerable is that I don't actually have to go there too often. I only work 4 days a week, I get the NYSE holidays off and I have 4 weeks of vacation. If I get sour it's not fair to the good people there, the people who are so generous with me so I take my time off and I don't feel guilty about it (mostly). It's not their fault I'm good at a job I dislike. Usually on the day after my birthday I don't go. But there were circumstances, very boring circumstances, that made it seem like the right thing to do was to go. So I did. I did not feel well mentally, emotionally or even physically all day long. Then I came home and made stupid fucking healthy food to eat and eventually fell face first into crossword puzzles on my iPad because I couldn't deal with a life where stripping away the pretty is what people like about me. Though I'd have had to bust my ass tomorrow to do the piddling things I did today I really shouldn't have gone today.

Like most kids on the East coast I will be wishing on stars and necklace clasps and birthday candles and crossed fingers tomorrow night. I need a snow day on Wednesday. I promise to use it well.


  1. Yesterday, I was involved in isolating colon tissue from mice. I don't like going to work either these days. It snowed a teeny bit here and I was hoping it would freak people out enough that they'd let us all go home early. No dice.

    But then I think, if I can just make it to Friday. Every thing will be just fine.

  2. I want a snow day, too. Boy, oh boy, do I ever.
    This place makes me crazy.

  3. I kinda feel the same way you do about my job. Mine is pointless for other reasons, but it's pointless and I feel like all the work I do is ultimately for no purpose.

    I took two sick days this week that were basically "mental health" days. I needed them.

    I go back tomorrow, I promise I'll get back into it.

  4. hm. I know the feeling.
    Lately I've been yelled at by two clients. Repeatedly. Because everyone is so stressed out about money. And also since I am human I make tiny mistakes now and again. (No one was killed, but still).

    It is no fun. Tomorrow will be a better day. I have to tell myself it's better to do this than doing what you love and struggling with that. Then the thing that you enjoy doing would no longer be enjoyable.

    Happy Birthday, Kizz. Take it easy on yourself.
    This too will pass.