10 Things I May Say Today*

1. Ow! Ma'am, as a high ranking official in the Umbrella Abuse Division I'm going to have to confiscate your bumbershoot immediately. You can reclaim it at our headquarters by bringing proof that you've completed 25 hours of spatial relations training and 25 additional refresher hours of common goddamn courtesy training. In the meantime here's a coupon for 15% off a rain coat with a hood. Even you can't put someone's eye out with that.

2. I taught my dog how to shake hands. What did you do over the holiday weekend?**

3. Have you seen the cast list for the new Avengers movie? HAVE YOU?!?!***

4. You know that asking me, a New Yorker for upwards of 25 years, what I'm doing this Sunday is like asking a woman her age or how much she weighs, right? It's like asking a man the size of his penis. If you continue to ask New Yorkers this question please know that it's impolitic, they may not answer, and if they do you shouldn't expect the truth.

5. Yes, I did take the dog to the park this morning. Yes, it was raining then. My reasons were rich and varied, to be sure. They ran the gamut from he still needs to pee even when it rains all the way to I am not water soluble.

6. I have called the accompanist. Because I'm working on a cabaret show. Yes, for real. Didn't I? I meant to tell you. I'm keeping it kind of quiet. March. Well, that's the hope anyway. What are you doing in March?

7. OK dog, the rates for a dog walk go up by $2 next month so you're going to have to get the very most out of every one of your 15 minutes. That means pooping every time, not just once a week or so whenever you're feeling frisky.****

8. I would like a pair of these in black and a pair of these in brown, please. Charge. Thank you*****

9. Bros before hos, man. Unless you actually think this woman is so all-encompassingly perfect that she will eliminate the need for you to have any friends at all. If that's the case, can I have that book I borrowed back before you go? Thanks man. Best of luck.

10. Ow! Give me that! Shut up. Your fancy hairdo is not more important than my fucking eyeball! Learn to use an umbrella in a crowded situation or don't use the dadblasted umbrella, you frakking eejit! I will not give it up and you can't make me. You're a menace! A menace I say and the entire world should be warned against you and your selfish wielding of a dangerous yet useless weapon. Go on. Get away from here. Go now before I open this thing in your eye!******

*Or I might not.
**Let's hope I don't wind up saying this. While it's true it's also just slightly north of pathetic.
***And it's written by Joss Whedon! Can I please have a Tardis ride to May 2012 so I can see it NOW?
****Apparently I should have been banking all the money I saved by having a dog who didn't need to be walked during the day and putting it in an interest bearing account to pay for the new dog who does need some company midday and is liable to live a very, very long time. He's worth it but...well...wow. The rate is up to nearly a dollar per minute.
*****Crap, 2011 is turning out to be the spendiest year in the history of spending. Well, if you don't count the time I went to NYU. Or to drama school in a foreign country. Or when I bought a home. Oh forget it.
******Terrifyingly high likelihood that I will say this.