Rehash

I keep thinking about lying on the floor with Emily, knowing the vet was coming at 4:00 and thinking, "I can just call and tell them not to come. I don't have to do this." It was true. No one in the world could have told me that I had to let the vet come and inject her. Morally and ethically, though, I had to let her go. The minutes ticked down and a voice in my head just screamed, "Tell them not to come!" I let it scream and scream but didn't call. I told it quietly that it was Saturday and that she was in pain and what would it have me do if I told them not to come and then we had to sit with her all day Sunday knowing she continued to hurt and wasn't getting any better. I knew it wouldn't listen but telling it kept me from picking up the phone.

On the one hand I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't have had this decision taken from me. I owed her a comfortable ending.

On the other hand sometimes, no matter how right it was, I wish I hadn't called.