Friday, February 10, 2012

I See Her

I took this picture on a Blogher morning in San Diego this summer. It was one of the best moments and feelings of the trip. It was cool but not cold and the fire felt comfortingly warm and I was playing around with my iPad and my camera and Our Cindy was with me and we were set to go on a day we'd been looking forward to for months.

I've come back to this shot in the last few months while she and Chris have been in the process of being fucked by cancer. I see her like this, through this gentle fire that's going to blister and burn her. She'll survive but she'll never look the same. I know it's her over there, just over the painful obstacle, but I can't see all of her. Every time I lean one way to get her in focus, she scoots in the other direction to set up her shot. We can hear each other, we keep talking for all the good it does, but everything is distorted by the flames.

This morning I wrote to tell Cindy that I'd dreamt of her and Chris last night. For some reason they lived in an airport. Chris was asleep on the changing table in the bathroom. I spoke to Cindy briefly and he never woke so we didn't meet. Later, while I was showering, shortly after Cindy got to work, Chris died. There's no better, easier, cleaner way to say it. Cindy made a safe island out of her blue comforter with her laptop and she has emerged on various outlets when there's time, careful not to touch the lava-covered, too-real world of the floor. Our Janet leaves comments and that's what finally helps me cry. In a few short hours (too long) Misti will brave the heat and leap onto the cool blue island with Our Cindy.

All will not be well but together they will be better.

Chris, I'm so sorry never to have met you. Thank you for going on before us to break the path.

Cindy, I love you.

Cancer, Fuck you.


*For each photographer that enters photographs into the FUCK CANCER photo challenge by Tuesday February 14 I will donate $5 to Planned Parenthood and $5 to Think Before You Pink/Breast Cancer Action. Simply upload your photo to Flickr (you can get a free account if you need one), join our Photo Group, add your shot and your donation has been made! If you want a gold star please tag the photo with PhotoChallenge and FUCKCANCER (or CANCER if you're not thrilled about the language).


  1. here, I know I can swear, and god damn it to fucking hell i fucking hate cancer i swear GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

  2. Anonymous2:53 PM

    shivering. hugs to all. will have to tell the boys, they've been praying for both of them. fuck cancer.

  3. Im as saddest, that you two didnt get to meet. This was beautiful. I love you.

  4. Tearing up at my desk is not good. But I said it before and I'll say it again: you are an awesome writer. May his memory be a gift.

  5. What a wonderful tribute. My heart is breaking for Cindy right now. Urgh.