Friday, April 06, 2012

Abby Don't Live Here

Dear Dog,

I am always telling people how smart you are. I brag on you constantly. Strangers even comment on your intelligence spontaneously. If they could have seen you tonight, though, you would have received an award. I don't know how else to explain the speed with which you realized that I'd only washed those sheets so you would have something fresh and crisp on which to wipe your recently fed muzzle. I mean, I hadn't even secured all four corners of that fitted sheet before you were bird dogging across the mattress, face rolling side to side.

You are miraculous and I felt it was important to put it in writing.

Your Kind and Faithful Servant

Dear Cats,

When I find out which one of you woke me up this morning with that impressively far-reaching spray of half-digested vomit there will be a reckoning.

In the event there is a next time may I be so bold as to request that you keep it above the covers?

In closing, thanks for spurring me to achieve Clean Sheet Friday. I'm sure we'll all appreciate that at bed time.

Your Own Private Imbecile

Dear Readers,

You probably wish I'd put a content warning at the top.

Um. Sorry?



  1. no!! that's a brutal combination right there. d called me to sniff a couple little spots on his bedspread, thinking one of the cats had peed there yesterday. i sniffed and said it was just drool, perhaps we need some teeth brushing for the beasts ... and clean sheet friday? i need to get on that bus.

  2. You'll be happy for the clean sheets...but I feel your pain. I swear to god, if I find out which one is taking to peeing on whatever piece of clothing is in the floor, I'm skinnin' a cat.

  3. Miflohny1:06 PM

    Oh my! Maybe we should give it to Little Seal's desire for a hamster instead of a cat. He doesn't want a pet that will bite his toys! A hamster may actually be more likely to do that than a cat, though with smaller teeth at least. And I do not look forward to the return of cat vomit to my life!