Diary Of An Introvert

I posted an infographic on Facebook recently. It's called How to Take Care of an Introvert. I commented that I wanted the person who made the graphic to take care of me. Then I got a whole bunch of comments from people saying they thought I was an extrovert.

Interestingly the people closest to me were silent on the matter. I was not surprised.

As I've gotten older I've learned to own my introverted qualities a little more but I still feel pressure not to. Speaking of someone else a friend once crabbed, "You can't just be a hermit!" She kind of broke my heart because, of course, I can and I was kind of counting on it being a legitimate option later, like maybe after I win the lottery. Of course the same friend once said to me, "I'm not made to be alone like you are*." so it's possible that we have wildly differing perspectives on what's important in life.

I can feel when the populous starts to get to me. I know when I need to simply not see people. It's not hard to tell when my, "He's a couple kinds of terrier and pug." line is delivered from under the thin and fragile shell of my Pleasant Neighbor character. Recently I busted the chops of a perfectly nice and well-meaning friend for not seeing an interpersonal situation at his job clearly. I essentially said, "We've been telling you this over and over why don't you fucking shut up!" That was not only uncalled for but not fair, either. He's in the middle of the shit and his emotions are being played. His friends are far on the outside. It's a completely different perspective. We're supposed to say things over and over to reassure him and help him move forward.

The thing is, I haven't had a whole day to myself with nothing scheduled to be done outside of my house for almost three weeks. Child's play for some, I know, but one of the things I've learned is that I need one of those, if not every week, then every two weeks. Think of it as a necessary reboot. I took Monday off so I have that firmly in my sights but it really can't come too soon. A voice in my head today kept repeating, "This is the closest to the edge I've ever been." It isn't. I used to go right over the edge flailing out at everyone and everything because my livelihood depended on working 7 days a week with people. However, it's bad. It's as bad as it's been in a while, for sure.  There are a lot of shitty things about being sick for a couple of months. Justified down time is not one of them.

And I'm going to a birthday party tonight. A big one. With lots of festively drunk people.

Let's hope I can hold it together just a little while longer.

*I do not, however, feel that I'm made to be alone. I don't want to be completely alone. I do need a little space, though, for everyone's sake.