Tuesday, December 04, 2012

10 Skinny Things

Not An AlienIt's a provocative title, inflammatory even, but really it's just about the fact that I went to the dermatologist yesterday. Here's 10 things that happened.

1. I picked the absolute last appointment time before shit got freaky (4:30pm). I was called in almost before I had a chance to sit down and was seen, treated, and released within 30 minutes. When I left the waiting room was so full that two entire families had spilled into the hallway.

2. The super nice nurse who called me sweetie and wielded her styptic pencil with love wasn't there. I bet she retired. Damn. Everyone else was very nice but it wasn't the same.

3. I was given a paper gown. Paper gowns are the tools of the devil.

4. I barely got into the devil's tool in time. Somehow in the donning process I got a fold in the bottom that, once I had my arms through the holes, it was almost impossible to flatten. There wasn't enough line to tie it around my middle but I stretched that plastic tab and made a teensy bow. I knew I wasn't going to have it closed for long but if they give you a tie closure it feels exhibitiony not to use it.

5. The nice trainee doctor came in and looked me over with a magnifying glass. Pretty sure I was the moliest person she'd ever seen. When she got to the bandage on my flu shot from 20 minutes previous she said, "You don't have any moles under here, do you?" and I replied, "You can take it off." So she did and blurted out a possibly involuntary, "Oh, you do!" Yup. I really do.

6. She had to instruct me on how to move the paper gown so she could see the various bits of me but not all of me at once. She never used an actual entire declarative sentence to do this. I interpreted her as best I could. At one point in that fiasco I actually got stuck in the gown.

7. She drew on my ass with magic marker.

8. The charming, attractive, nationally renowned doctor arrived and I lost most of my powers of coherent speech. He proceeded to tell me how to arrange my paper gown in entirely different ways. The only mercy here was I didn't get stuck.

9. He burned a wart off my finger so I would feel super sexy in his presence. That hurt like a bitch and I was a big baby about it.

10. Both doctors closely observed the magic markered portion of my buttocks while the doc shot lidocaine into my glute and razored off a mole. The position I had to be in for this procedure was, if observed from the outside and without the paper gown, kind of casual and sexy. Having two attractive, intelligent people get up close and personal with my caboose was emphatically not as exciting as I had hoped.

Follow up appointment for the offending/ed portions of my body is on the 21st so stay tuned for updates!


Don't forget that the world premiere of my new cabaret show, Back Where I Belong, is coming up December 12, January 9, and January 17. Details are here. I hope you can make it and bring all your friends! Please spread the word and use the hashtag, #KizzCabaret.


  1. ouch! in many ways. sorry it wasn't that exciting, thanks for the laugh though!

  2. Wow, you are brave!! I don't know that I'd feel so chipper after such an experience.

    Love the doctor arranging the gown. Maybe you could invent a new kind of gown origami project?

    Finally, regarding positions taken during procedure - I had surgery on an unmentionable part of my body a couple of years ago, and when I awoke in the recovery room, I was surprised at which muscles were strained. Turns out the....device they put you in for this particular surgery is designed to present the body part in question for the easiest access to the surgeon. Needless to say, in addition to straining one's inner thigh muscles, it is quite undignified. I was grateful for the anesthesia.